TDL GOES INSIDE: The Mind of the South Carolina Republican Primary Voter
By: A.C #1
In order to gain a better understanding of today's primary TDL reached out to the average South Carolin-er-o-ian, or whatever they're called, to gauge the mood of voters from around this rural mountain state. We encountered a man named Elmo Pusser. He, like his father before him, and his father before him, works in a um...salt mine - quarry - oil rig or something, and considers himself to be "dang gud at the huntin varmints."
We asked Mr. Pusser about his views on the various candidates vying for the nomination of the Republican party.
Rudy Giuliani - "He am dat Eye-till-yan him at no gud be'in dum der Presdent."
Mike Huckabee - "Dat der man he dun be gud at gettin' rid a dem no gud der Jews..."
At this point TDL had to halt the interview. Whoa, Whoa okay pal. I'm not sure what the hell you're saying but, I am sure it will get us thrown in Gitmo if you don't shut up. Is there anybody else in your family we can talk to maybe?
In order to gain a better understanding of today's primary TDL reached out to the average South Carolin-er-o-ian, or whatever they're called, to gauge the mood of voters from around this rural mountain state. We encountered a woman named Bitty Jo Hindengarten, the fiancée of a Mr. Elmo Pusser. Ms. Hindengarten currently is "on the welfare because my Great Grand Aunt Hindengarten cursed me with the gout on her deathbed, so's I caint work nun." She was happy to speak to us about her views on the various candidates vying for the nomination of the Republican party.
Rudy Giuliani - "When's I get to be on the tv box? It won't be when "American Idol" on will it? I's never miss my Simon. Wait am I on "American Idol" now? Oh my God, Oh my God, I knew Simon couldn't resist me singing the Carrie Underwood song to him in mah video tape, I better puts on mah fancy underwears."
Mike Huckabee - "I loves my Simon. He British and thems people is sa-mart. He tickle mah fancy. You cute too, wanna quick ride before I makes it legal with ol'Elmo?"
At this point TDL had to halt the interview. We reminded Ms. Hindengarten that she was in fact not on "American Idol," and that TDL had previously interviewed her about America's mortgage crisis."
TDL
We interviewed you about the housing crisis, remember "They done took mah house" what happened with that?
Bitty Jo Hindengarten
Nah unh-unh, yall done gots me confused with someone else
TDL
Um no, we tend to remember interviewing people who weigh 400 lbs and ask us to "jump into bed like a jack-rabbit done what got into the horseradish," that shit we remember. Obviously they didn't done take your house.
Bitty Jo Hindengarten
Now yall listen, mah story gots that "Extreme Makeover - Home Edition" to build me a second addition to mah house, and a extra large terlet instaled, if you Yankee bastard ruin that for me I'll tell Elmo you brought varmints into the house, he don't like varmints much at all, oh Elmo, c'mere sugar.
At this point TDL had to halt the interview and run for our lives because the image of a man with Elmo's lazy eye holding a shotgun, told us everything we need to know about the South Carolina primary.
Read TDL Goes Inside the Mind of the Iowa Caucus Goer
In order to gain a better understanding of today's primary TDL reached out to the average South Carolin-er-o-ian, or whatever they're called, to gauge the mood of voters from around this rural mountain state. We encountered a man named Elmo Pusser. He, like his father before him, and his father before him, works in a um...salt mine - quarry - oil rig or something, and considers himself to be "dang gud at the huntin varmints."
We asked Mr. Pusser about his views on the various candidates vying for the nomination of the Republican party.
Rudy Giuliani - "He am dat Eye-till-yan him at no gud be'in dum der Presdent."
Mike Huckabee - "Dat der man he dun be gud at gettin' rid a dem no gud der Jews..."
At this point TDL had to halt the interview. Whoa, Whoa okay pal. I'm not sure what the hell you're saying but, I am sure it will get us thrown in Gitmo if you don't shut up. Is there anybody else in your family we can talk to maybe?
In order to gain a better understanding of today's primary TDL reached out to the average South Carolin-er-o-ian, or whatever they're called, to gauge the mood of voters from around this rural mountain state. We encountered a woman named Bitty Jo Hindengarten, the fiancée of a Mr. Elmo Pusser. Ms. Hindengarten currently is "on the welfare because my Great Grand Aunt Hindengarten cursed me with the gout on her deathbed, so's I caint work nun." She was happy to speak to us about her views on the various candidates vying for the nomination of the Republican party.
Rudy Giuliani - "When's I get to be on the tv box? It won't be when "American Idol" on will it? I's never miss my Simon. Wait am I on "American Idol" now? Oh my God, Oh my God, I knew Simon couldn't resist me singing the Carrie Underwood song to him in mah video tape, I better puts on mah fancy underwears."
Mike Huckabee - "I loves my Simon. He British and thems people is sa-mart. He tickle mah fancy. You cute too, wanna quick ride before I makes it legal with ol'Elmo?"
At this point TDL had to halt the interview. We reminded Ms. Hindengarten that she was in fact not on "American Idol," and that TDL had previously interviewed her about America's mortgage crisis."
TDL
We interviewed you about the housing crisis, remember "They done took mah house" what happened with that?
Bitty Jo Hindengarten
Nah unh-unh, yall done gots me confused with someone else
TDL
Um no, we tend to remember interviewing people who weigh 400 lbs and ask us to "jump into bed like a jack-rabbit done what got into the horseradish," that shit we remember. Obviously they didn't done take your house.
Bitty Jo Hindengarten
Now yall listen, mah story gots that "Extreme Makeover - Home Edition" to build me a second addition to mah house, and a extra large terlet instaled, if you Yankee bastard ruin that for me I'll tell Elmo you brought varmints into the house, he don't like varmints much at all, oh Elmo, c'mere sugar.
At this point TDL had to halt the interview and run for our lives because the image of a man with Elmo's lazy eye holding a shotgun, told us everything we need to know about the South Carolina primary.
Read TDL Goes Inside the Mind of the Iowa Caucus Goer
posted by The TDL News Team at 10:00 AM
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