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Wednesday, December 12, 2007

TDL FILLER: Excerpts from "The Carter Diaries" - June-07

The success of Douglas Brinkley's "The Reagan Diaries" has been a fortuitous event for us at TDL NEWS. By coincidence our staff has been hard at work piecing together the musings of America's 39th President Jimmy Carter. Here are some excerpts from the entries we've gathered so far. Like Reagan, Carter took his writing very seriously, using pen and paper as a way to reason, reflect, and expound upon the important issues of the day.

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Tues. July. 16 - My big speech was yesterday. That boy Chris Matthews is a dang genius. "We can see this crisis in the growing doubt about the meaning of our own lives and in the loss of a unity of purpose for our nation." If that doesn't inspire the American people what will? I predict that this speech will be remembered for a long time.

Wed. July. 17 - I should fire that hack Matthews, he royally screwed me with that speech he wrote. That yokel, um, what's his name? Reagan, he's been like a angry hornet in a fat man's overalls about it. I think he might be a Jew agent out to assassinate me.

Mon. July. 30. - Just got done with a series of talks with our European allies. If only we could attain the harmony of their societies. Gotta remember to get that idiot Matthews to add that to my next speech.

Wed. August. 2. - Ate a Peanut Butter sandwich today. I swear I could eat them all day long. That would be a great job, Peanut Butter eater, I wonder if I could create a cabinet level position for Peanut Butter because a Black invented it.

Fri. August. 4. - Met with N.S.C about normalizing relations with Castro. They told me it was a bad idea. I think they don't realize that Communism is here to stay. The N.S.C must have been infiltrated by the Jews, Israel again, they're probably reading this right now. Or do they know what I'm going to write before I do?! They can read your thoughts, the Jews. Must have D.O.D look into the feasibility of tin-foil hats for me and my staff. Urgent!

Sun. August. 6. - As a sign of goodwill to the Soviets I've cut the defense budget and canceled something called the "B-1 Bomber," as if we'll ever need the thing. Considering renaming the Department of Defense the United Association for Peace, Tolerance, and Justice. Spoke to Kennedy and he agreed that was the best way to be "even-handed." The new training program for our troops must include diplomacy, and relationship building exercises.

Tues. August. 8. - More meetings. This time with a group of Polish dissidents. I tried to get them to tell me about the glory of Soviet Communism. What it must be like to all work together for the common good, and how there aren't any poor people, everyone's equal!!! My enthusiasm for the subject had them speechless as a dead pig in the Alabama sunshine.