Image Hosted by

Friday, March 31, 2006


by Associate Contributor #3- Charlie Sheen

I think this week is a good week. After my daybyew here on The Dick List a few days ago, I was reading the New York Times and a study revealed that sick people who prayed to god died.

You can read the study hear.

People! I've been saying this all along- there is no such thing as god. I don't care what anyone says... If I can't see it, smell it, touch it, taste it, ingest it, inject it, or snort it up my nose, its not real.

Was Columbus right when he said the world was flat?

Was Barbara Streisand right when she said 2000 was her final farewhel tour?

It is undenyable that there is no god, because if you look through a telescope, all you see is stars. There's noone floating up there with angel wings and harps! Thats why its doesnt surpirse me that when you pray to god, you will die more quicker.

Now Kabbalah, on thew other hand, that makes more sense. There's Kaballah water and kaballah power drinks. Theres even kaballah coaches to help you get through all those tough times, like when you get pulled over on the sunset strip and get caught with a few eight-balls in your glove box and a trasvestite hooker in the back. Of course, one can always turn to the local transvestitial prostitute to deal with stress, but if that doesn't work Kaballah is there.

To be frank, Kaballah cares about his children and God doesn't....because god isn't real. So next time when you get a brain tumor, move to Izreal and hang out with Ester for a few days and drink a power drink and then Kaballah might answer your prayers. We all no god will not.

Wednesday, March 29, 2006


Image Hosted by


BRUSSELS, BELGIUM (A.P.)- Number 4 seed Nancy Pelosi stunned the douche world this week as she dropped momma moonbat, number 1 seed Cindy Sheehan, in a prime-time douche matchup. Ms. Sheehan was widely expected to compete for the Douche Madness championship this year, but alas it was not to be.

"Not even I was sure I was in the same douche league as Cindy" said Ms. Pelosi. "Ms. Sheehan is probably the preeminant douche in the world today, and defeating her was a great honor. I don't take this victory lightly. Now I've got to face [Soros] with all his riches, and I know that's gonna be a big challenge".

Number 2 seed George Soros defeated the corpulent number 6 seed Michael Moore by the score of 66-59 on Tuesday.


MECCA, SAUDI ARABIA (Reuters)- Mahmoud Ahmadinejad was a nobody on the doche stage at this time last year. Now he is a number 1 seed and, with the improbable loss of Cindy Sheehan in the Brussels regional, the heavy favorite to be crowned the king of Douche Madness.

"The only way to explain this is that it is the work of the 12th Imam. Only Mr. Twelve can make such things possible." explained Ahmadinejad.

"We must be very quiet or the 12th Imam will awaken. He sleeps in my toaster most of the time, and usually pops out to lick my toilet brush clean when he wants a snack. Then he casts magical spells on my cat Raj to make it talk to me. Raj tells me to attack the Israelis with nuclear fire, and when I disagree he sodomizes my daughter with a banana. So, for the good of my daughter, I decide to destroy Israel because bananas are expensive and I don't want to eat them once they've been up there. Raj is a good doggie for the most part, but I don't like when he becomes aggressive like that, with his filthy mouth and large green scales."

Ahmadinejad's daughter could not be reached for comment.


PYONGYANG, NORTH KOREA (Reuters)- Hillary Clinton continued her roll towards the Fuckin' Four by defeating number 4 seed Al Gore in an overtime thirller. Ms. Clinton trailed by as many as 16 points in the first half, but managed to rally back and take the lead early in the second.

Despite Ms. Clinton's heroics, Mr. Gore was not demoralized. Gore roared back to tie the match in the closing seconds, and then moved into the lead in the early minutes of overtime.

Ms. Clinton hung tough, however, and finally retook the lead with only 6 seconds remaining on a questionable call by the officials. Although Mr. Gore made a valliant attempt to tie the game, he fell short and was defeated.

"I have nothing but respect for Al Gore" said Ms. Clinton. "He really gave me all I could handle; He is truly a douche of the first order".

In the other game, Jimmy Carter's run was ended as he was dropped by the politically correct HBO talk show host of 'Real Time', Bill Mahr by the score of 61-58.


HOLLYWOOD, CALIFORNIA (A.P.)- O.J. Simpson's run at the finals was cut short by Osama Bin Laden's explosive game. Bin Laden, a number 1 seed for the last five years, defeated Mr. Simpson handily and will face off against number 2 seed George Clooney in a premier douche matchup.

"This is all a conspiracy" said Mr. Clooney when reached for comment. "Everyone knows that [Bin Laden] didn't defeat O.J. This is all a CIA plot to ensure that I lose. You see, the CIA-Halliburton-Mossad matrix doesn't want me to expose the truth, so they are doing everything in their power to keep me from the limelight. If I make it to The Dick List's Fuckin' Four, no one will be able to deny me the platform I need to expose the CIA for what it is- a shadowy force of assisins and mutant super soldiers created by the oil companies to eliminate any opposition to their plans to cause climate change. That's right- what the public doesn't know is that the oil companies have invested heavily in rubber raft making technology, and once they submerge the Earth with rising flood waters from melting glaciers, we will all have no choice but to buy these rafts and they'll become rich. Well I'm gonna stop this plot, if need be, on my own. Currahee!"

Bin Laden is to take on Clooney on Friday night.

Monday, March 27, 2006


LOS ANGELES (Reuters)- Thousands of students poured into the streets of Los Angeles today to support illegal immigrants' right to break the law. The school walkouts capped off what was a watershed weekend for lawbreakers, and many other groups have promised to follow suit in what they describe in "the fight against the tyranny of law and order".

"First they come for the Mexicans, but who's next? We have to draw the line here" said Harry Wilson of NAMBLA, a leading organization of pedophiles. "If they start treating illegal aliens as illegal, maybe they'll try to stop me from giving little boys the sweet love they need and deserve. Who knows where this whole thing will wind up? We could have the next Nazi Germany on our hands here."

Former Enron chief Kenneth Lay was quick to offer his support to the Latino community as well. "I think its reprehensible that the government can just arbitrarily say what is legal and what isn't" said Mr. Lay.

"Those Mexicans snuck into this country whether we like it or not. Does that make them criminals? Whether its prohibiting imaginary accounting or crossing an imaginary line on some map, the the law is really burdensome and inconvienent! For the good of the nation the law must be stopped or at least edited until everyone likes it".

Also showing solidarity with the illegal alien community was CAIR, the leading Muslim group in the United States. "I am appalled that the United States government thinks it has the right to decide who an enter and exit this allegedly 'free' nation." said CAIR's spokesman Ibrahim Hooper.

"If the United States starts enforcing its laws, where will it all end? Will young talented terrorists be swept from their mosques before they can blow themselves up? Would I be prohibited from crossing the border with radioactive material?? How will we be able to ensure the progress of jihad and the eventual triumph of the caliphate if they start putting us in jail? Clearly the enforcement of laws is a racist Jewish plot invented to make Muslims' lives difficult".

In response to the protests, Hillary Clinton, the junior Senator from New York, has proposed a bill to deal with the issue. "My plan is simple- give all lawbreakers amnesty because its impractical to arrest all of them. By giving lawbreakers amnesty, it will dissuade them from breaking the law in the future because they've gotten such a repreive. In fact, I'm willing to bet that if we give all lawbreakers amnesty and a second chance, there will be a sharp decline in the number of illegal acts committed across the board".

President Bush has lent his full suport to Senator Clinton's bill. "It seems to me that the best way to stem the overwhelming tide of illegal immigration is to give the illegals all the rights and comforts of legal immigrants" opined the President.

Despite the government's actions, protests against the enforcement of American law have been scheduled for later this week at such diverse locations as Riker's Island, Sing Sing, Levenworth, and Alcatraz. International protests will take place in Bogota, Colombia, Islamabad, Pakistan, and Beijing, China.

Sunday, March 26, 2006


By Associate Contributor #1

Adriana Lima showed her political stripes when she came out in favor of abstinance by revealing that she is a virgin!

I have nothing else to write. I thought she was perfect before, now she says she is a virgin for Christ's sake.

Thursday, March 23, 2006


Image Hosted by


BRUSSELS, BELIGIUM (A.P.)- Number 1 seed Cindy Sheehan cruised into her first Shitty 16 by demolishing Ted Kennedy, 75-43. Although Kennedy played her tough in the first half, intoxication began to take its toll in the second.

"Dah, eerrrr.....anyone have a beah fah me?" staggered Kennedy to no avail as Sheehan landed 3 after 3. Mr. Kennedy even offered to drive Ms. Sheehan home after the match- an offer which the woman of "absolute moral authority" wisely turned down.

"I can't swim" admitted Sheehan.

Meanwhile, in the second matchup of the night number 2 seed Geore Soros violated 10 seed Fidel Castro 66-41. Soros dominated the boards against his aged opponant, outrebounding the Cuban dictator by a ratio of 3-1.

"No muy bueno. No me gusta mucho." said Castro as he sulked from the court, clutching a burrito in his left hand and a Corona in his right.

Michael Moore made it back to the Shitty 16 for the third consecutive season, squishing Michael Jackson under the tremendous weight of his massive inside game. Moore was nearly impossible to move from the paint, and Mr. Jackson's famous "jesus juice" had little effect on the portly filmmaker. The final score- 64-57- did not reflect the overwhelming mass of Moore's victory.

"I ate him up like a double quarter pounder with super sized fries and a strawberry shake and an apple pie and a soft-serve sundae" boasted Moore.

Finally, Nancy Pelosi ended Natalie Portman's dream season by eliminating the upstart 57-53. Experts think that Portman will have to make another, even more retarded movie than V for Vendetta to become a serious title contender next season.


MECCA, SAUDI ARABIA (Reuters)- 11 seed Jeanine Garofalo shocked the loins of the sports world yesterday as she ended number 3 seed Maureen Dowd's title hopes by the score of 66-55. For Garofalo, it was a major step towards an improbable dream.

"No one believed I could beat Ward Churchill. Now I've dropped Maureen Dowd and less people take me seriously than listen to Air America. Well I'll tell you what- I'm gonna lay a shocker into the whole world! I'm gonna win the title outright, and then everyone will see what a great, funny, smart person I am. Then, eveyone will learn to agree with my political views and Cindy Sheehan will be elected president! Then, we can build gumdrop houses and fill our rivers with flowing luscious milk chocolate just like Hugo Chavez did in Venezuela! Just imagine!"

Ms. Garofalo then began humming John Lennon's "Imagine" as she was escorted out of the room by her handlers.

In other news, race hustler and number 7 seed Jesse Jackson stunned terrorist and number 2 seed Abu Musab al Zarkawi by the score of 54-52. For Mr. Jackson, it was his 10th all time trip to the Shitty 16.

"You know" opined Jackson, "some people said ole' Jesse was slippin'. Well I sho' did give that raghead the ole' patented Rainbow PUSH- right out the mothafuckin' tournament, biotch!"

Finally, the heavily favored #1 seed Mahmoud Ahmadinejad made short work of New York Times op-ed columnist Paul Krugman and actor Sean Penn upended French President Jacques Chirac by the score of 71-68.


HOLLYWOOD, CALIFORNIA (A.P.)- 13th seed O.J. Simpson is making his return to the limelight felt in a big way as he mutilated the 5th seed Barbara Streisand by the score of 65-51. For Babs, the viscious attack by the former football star was completely unexpected- almost as if she had been unwittingly assaulted in the dark.

"You know, I guess [you] just look past certain opponants in your haste to become the champ. I always took O.J. as more of a sad joke than anything else; I have to admit I was completely enamoured with [facing] Osama Bin Laden. It's just a shame that I'll never get to see Osama [on the same court] and give him a hug [after the game]."

Earlier, the aforementioned number 1 seed Osama Bin Laden gained an easy victory over New York Times op-ed columnist Frank Rich.

In the meanwhile, number 2 seed George Clooney dropped the number 10 seed Lindsey Lohan by the lopsided score of 74-59. Clooney advanced to take on number 3 seed Al "Sharpie" Sharpton in what is being billed as one of the premier douche matchups of the deacde.

Sharpton had defeated 6th seed Madonna in a double-overtime shootout which only ended on a questionable call by officials.


PYONGYANG, NORTH KOREA (A.P.)- The Pyongyang regional is turning into a veritable Democratic convention. With his stunning upset of Venezuelan savior Hugo Chavez, Jimmy Carter has advanced to the Shitty Sixteen for the first time in 26 years to take his place with partymates Hillary Rodham Clinton and Al Gore.

For Carter, his advance was sweet vindication.

"I think I've proved beyond a shadow of a doubt that I'm not washed up. I might be the worst president in U.S. history, but I'm certianly not washed up. All I know is that Bill Mahr better be on his game, cause I want a piece of that cunt Hillary and I'm gonna take her down. I know I'm a bigger douche, I'll bet dollars to peanuts".

Ms. Clinton declined comment, but aides insisted that she was solely concentrating on Al Gore and would worry about Carter if she ended up facing him.

Wednesday, March 22, 2006


A joint NEW YORK TIMES and DICK LIST report.

CARACAS, Venezuela — The actor Danny Glover has come. Harry Belafonte has also been here. So has the brave antiwar activist Cindy Sheehan, the prominent African-American writer Cornel West and Bolivia's new president, Evo Morales.

But most visitors are like Cameron Durnsford, a 24-year-old student from Australia who decided to study at a new government-financed university in Caracas. Mr. Durnsford was, admittedly, put off some by the cult of celebrity around President Hugo Chávez, which he says "seems a little bit Maoist." But Venezuela's revolution, he quickly added, was not to be missed.

"You've got a nation and a leader trying to prove an alternative to neo-liberalism and the policies that have ravaged Latin America for 20 years," he said. "That's why people are coming here....even the purges have not yet begun! How often do you get to see real life pre-purge Communist society? Its like seeing a brontosaurus walk into downtown Sydney."

Mr. Chávez is decidedly unpopular with the Bush administration, which he has branded a terrorist regime out to get him. That antagonism, coupled with Mr. Chávez's huge oil-generated outlays for social spending, is drawing a following from all over and turning Caracas into the new leftist mecca.

Evoking other cities transformed by revolutionary leaders, like Managua, Nicaragua, Penom Penh, or Pyongyang, Caracas is attracting students and celebrities, academics and activists, grandmothers and washed up hippies — a new generation of Sandalistas, as some call them.

Some, including many Americans, have come to stay. But others come for a new brand of revolutionary tourism organized by the government or by private groups.

Venezuela welcomes them all, but rolls out the red carpet for high-profile visitors like Mr. Belafonte, the 79-year-old singer and activist. Although all visitors to this socialist paradise are equal, some are more equal than others.

In January, Mr. Belafonte led an American delegation that included Mr. Glover, Mr. West and Dolores Huerta, the farm workers' advocate. They met with Mr. Chávez, toured a neighborhood and visited government-run programs promoted as a way to shift the country's oil wealth to the poor.

"We respect you, admire you, and we are expressing our full solidarity with the Venezuelan people and your revolution. As a matter of fact, we want to pull down your pants right here and suck your cock. No, really. I want to suck your cock or at least tounge your balls a little bit" Mr. Belafonte told Mr. Chávez during the president's weekly television program. He called President Bush, a constant target of Mr. Chávez's barbs, "the greatest terrorist in the world." Then he shouted, "Viva la revolución! I want to suck Hugo's cock!"

For less famous Americans, the new vacation trail no longer goes through the famed beaches of Margarita Island. Rather, groups like Moonbat Exchange, based in San Francisco, take visitors who pay 1,300 capitalist explotiation units on a two-week jaunt through the tumbledown barrios where support for Mr. Chávez is strongest.

The tours include visits to literacy classes, cooperatives, and government-financed news media outlets. Tastefully, government death camps are avoided. Visitors chat with government ministers, see "The Revolution Will Not Be Televised," a documentary favorable to Mr. Chávez, and meet with state oil company officials, who explain how petrodollars are funneled to Mr. Chávez's pocket.

Among the speakers who have met with visitors is Eva Golinger, a New York lawyer who is dedicated to unearthing what she claims is evidence of Washington's support for Venezuelan opposition groups, something the Bush administration has denied.

Americans like Pat Morris, 62, from Chestnut Hill, Mass., who were normal centrists and by no means moonbats before they arrived in Venezuela, are usually left speechless. "I thought that our current government was lying and greedy, but I had no idea of the long-term investment in destabilizing the country," she said, tears in her eyes after hearing Ms. Golinger speak. "Since Hugo has been elected to office, he has created gumdrop houses and rivers of pure milk chocolate. Children laugh and play on candy cane sleds and adults eat lotus flowers and drink honeyed wine. Why does Bush want to destroy this? It just makes me want to cry".

Reva Batterman, 27, a graduate student, said she wanted to come to Venezuela to show its people that "we're not all just Bush supporters or imperialists."

"I wish the people in the U.S. would try to understand Hugo Chávez. Sometimes one has to stifle all dissent to make a better world. People need to comprehend that in order to move ahead, the ignorant general public needs to be guided by people of superior intellect such as myself or Mr. Chavez" she said.

Not everyone is as enamored. Julio Borges, a crazed opposition politician, said that while Mr. Chávez certainly had showered gumdrops on the poor, he was also a strongman out to crush dissent.

Instead of lionizing him, Mr. Borges said (while frothing at the mouth) visitors should be aware of government ineptitude and growing abuses, like attacks on the press, charges the government denies.

"We always tell people who come with this romantic idea of Venezuela that despite the changes here, the people who carry out the transformation are the armed forces, that Venezuelan democracy is basically a militarized dictatorship," he said. "You have to have a profound concern about that. We want to take off the democratic veil the government wears".

Mr. Borges is an idiot.

Referring to American visitors, an evil American diplomat in Caracas, who could not speak on the record because of embassy rules, echoed the concerns, saying, "Come down here and get your consciousness raised, absolutely." He added, "My only request of them is that they try to get the other side of the story." He then proceeded to kill a small child and make a cake from his ground up bones.

Emily Kurland, an enlightened 26-year-old social worker originally from Chicago, said that was exactly what she and the others here were getting.

"They're frustrated with Bush, frustrated with not being listened to, frustrated with Iraq," said Ms. Kurland, speaking in the Caracas house she shares with several foreigners. "They don't trust Fox News. They don't trust the mainstream news. That's why the only answer for people like me is to move to Venezuela- where all the news is news I want to hear, whether its true or not!"

She came to Venezuela thinking she would stay just long enough to get a taste for Mr. Chávez's grandly titled "Bolivarian revolution." A year later, she said, she has no plans to leave anytime soon. "Why would I want to leave when my house is made of gumdrops and the rivers overflow with the richest of milk chocolates? Fuck America." said Ms. Kurland.

She has taught English in government-financed classes for the poor and talks about volunteering at a state-run microcredit bank for medium brown colored women between 25 and 32 years of age. She spends most of her time, though, leading tours for San Franciscans who flock here for a look at how Mr. Chávez is changing his country.

There is a precedent, of course: Fidel Castro's revolution, which in its early years placed emphasis on "people to people" contacts that enhanced support among vocal members of the American body politic, while neutralizing opponents.

Activists, intellectuals and leftists have gravitated to other governments, from Allende's Socialist Chile in the early 1970's to Sandinista-run Nicaragua in the 1980's, which also declared ambitions to overturn the old order in their countries.

"Cuba, Venezuela, Nicaragua and Chile at one point became the mecca for many leftists around the world," said Fernando Coronil, a University of Michigan professor and the author of "The Magical State," a book about Venezuela. "That has been capitalized upon by the governments of these places, in eliciting foreign support but also as a way of focusing on certain elements of foreign policy that have wide appeal, and not focusing on internal problems."

Some of the people who have visited Venezuela or have moved here acknowledge having some doubts. Chesa Boudin, 25, a New Yorker (whose parents, Katherine Boudin and David Gilbert, were members of the 1970's radical group the Weathermen) who has worked as a volunteer here, notes that some on the left glorify Mr. Chávez simply because he has positioned himself as the anti-Bush leader in Latin America.

But Mr. Boudin, one of the authors of a book favorable to Venezuela's government, disappeared later in the day and we could not contact him to elaborate on his comments.

For more on the wonderful magical mystical fairy land that is Venezuela, read The New York Times.

If you want to read the Times's unaltered puff piece which inspired this story, click the link below:

Tuesday, March 21, 2006


The following are from Cindy Sheehan's recent interview with Joe Scarborough. Hat tip moonbattery:

"I'm a pacifist and I believe war is wrong."

Image Hosted by
Above: a person who shared Ms. Sheehan's views

"And if you look at the history, World War II happened because of World War I and the suppression and sanctions against the people of World War I."

Image Hosted by
Above: this fellow's unwillingness to stand down aggression might have also played a role in the happening of World War II

"I'm a total pacifist and I think finally now, this is the 21st century and we need to stop killing each other to solve problems, especially imaginary problems"

Image Hosted by
Above: an imaginary problem of the 20th century

Image Hosted by Image Hosted by ImageShack.usImage Hosted by

Image Hosted by
Above: imaginary problems of the 21st century


Monday, March 20, 2006


Image Hosted by

BRUSSELS, BELGIUM (A.P.)- Natalie Portman, a number 12 seed making her first Douche Madness appearence, upset the highly touted number 5 seed Vladimir Putin to advance to the second round of Douche Madness this weekend. The erstwhile Queen Amadala wasted little time in throttling the Russian dictator and former KGB head, who looked sluggish the whole match.

"Maybe it vaz too much wodka; otherivise I beat zat bitch" said Putin after his defeat.

In what was pehaps the most shocking development on day one of Douche Madness, number 14 seed Michael Jackson dumped perennial douche powerhouse and number 3 seed Al Franken by the score of 62-59.

"I just knew today was going to be super special" said the ambiguously gendered pedophile. "I wiped poopie and doodie all over Al Franken. He was ignorant. His whole game was ignorant."

Finally, as expected number 1 seed Cindy Sheehan steamrollered over a fluffy kitten by the score of 76-47. Ms. Sheehan is widely expected to win the Brussels bracket and make her first appearence in the Fuckin' Four this season.


MECCA, SAUDI ARABIA (A.P.)- Mad Iranian dictator Mahmoud Ahmadinejad advanced with little trouble yesterday, as the Mecca regional bracket produced few upsets. Joining the Iranian president in the second round is the number 2 seed terror mastermind Abu Musab Al Zarkawi, number 3 seed closeted New York Times lesbian Maureen Dowd, and the number 5 seed actor Sean Penn.

In what proved to be a minor upset, 11th seeded Jeanine Garofalo, a mid-major douchebag, upset major moonbat and fraudulent American Indian 'professor' Ward Churchill by the score of 64-60. Many had high hopes for Mr. Churchill, but it looks like he will have to return to spreading falsehoods and committing plagarism for yet another year, a process he calls 'teaching'.


HOLLYWOOD, CALIFORNIA (A.P.)- 13th seed O.J. Simpson, who barely snuck into this tournament, shocked the world Sunday as he went on to slice up terror mastermind Ayman Al Zwahiri's title hopes by the score of 77-74. For OJ the win was sweet redemption for being completely snubbed by the douche bowl committee last winter.

"I'll fucking murder anyone who gets in my way" said Simpson.

Lindsey Lohan, famous for some reason no one knows, stepped up to the big-time Saturday as she sent the Prophet Muhammed packing 66-61. Many of the Muslim faithful threatened to blow themselves up if thier Prophet was defeated, but thought better of it when Muhammed advised them that the eternal gang-bang that is the Muslim afterlife would not feature miss Lohan for at least another 40 years.

Finally, douche powerhouses Osama Bin Laden and George Clooney advanced with little problem Sunday. Many look to thier possible clash as the highlight of this year's tournament.


PYONGYANG, NORTH KOREA (A.P.)- 2000 election day loser Al Gore advanced Sunday to face 2004 election day loser John Kerry, in what increasingly looks like a fight for the right to take on the number 1 seed and 2008 election day loser Hillary Clinton. When the dust settles, it will be able to be said with certainty who the biggest douchebag in the Democratic party is- an issue which has been hotly contested for the past few years.

"I'm not troubled, I've just got to take this one match at a time" said Hillary after her smashing of the Teletubbies Saturday afternoon. "Gore, Kerry, Carter, whoever. It doesn't matter to me; I've just got to play my type of game".

As for the former Presdient and 1980 election loser Jimmy Carter, he will have to get through number 2 seed Hugo Cavez Wednesday to have any shot at Ms. Clinton.

"I know I'm old, but I've been resurgent this year" said Mr. Carter. "Ms. Clinton may be a cynical manipulative egotistical leftist...and quite possibly a lesiban...but I have a proven track record of shitty mismanagement and effete weakness. I really think I can put my record of douchyness against anyone in this tournament and have a good shot to win."

Few would argue.

Sunday, March 19, 2006


By The Dick List International Correspondent: Associate Contri-brie-tor #1

I arrived at the scene of the protest just after dusk. Thousands of French University and High School students had gathered to voice their objection to the C.B.E (Creamy Brie for Everybody) program. The C.B.E was conceived by the French government to ensure that non-Frenchmen have the same access to Brie as those living in France. This has sparked outrage among cheese-loving nationalists throughout the country, with many proclaiming the start of a Civil War.

Blending in with the protesters was not easy; perhaps choosing to wear my “Everything’s bigger in Texas” belt buckle was injudicious. Nevertheless, in the interest of journalism, I braved the hostile environment and attempted to ascertain the mood of the growing crowd. Not finding many friendly faces at first, I eventually came to "Maurice", a senior at the world famous Sorbonne Academie du Mime in Paris. Maurice was clad in the revolutionary attire made famous by the P.L.O. and Urban Outfitters. I asked him why he was concerned about the C.B.E.

“Ze are trying to destroy zee French coutoure” he exclaimed excitedly. Maurice than began to rant and rave, pointing out that I was a stupid American and that the protest was about the C.P.E. (Contrat Premier D’Emploi) or First Hire Contract. This program is a dastardly attempt by the French Government to give employers more flexibility in the hiring and firing of employees. In "La Belle France", when an employer makes a new hire, the worker has a probation period of just over a month. If the worker makes it through this arduous trial, they become practically immovable, even if they are a kleptomaniacal crack-whore.

The C.P.E. seeks to shorten the minimum time a business owner is required to keep loser employees, thus allowing them more freedom. Before this program, business owners were required to pay any worker they employed for more than six weeks two years of severance pay- essentially paying people not to work! This acts as an additional tax on the already overburdened business community. By paying these phantom employees, business owners are prevented from hiring people that actually want to work, and the overall economy suffers resulting in near zero G.D.P growth, stagnant productivity and a 23% unemployment rate among those 26 years old and younger.

After I explained all of this to Maurice he became indignant. “Ze bourgeoisie Americanz vit your low unemployment and high vages, I spit on vous.” Lucky for him his country has universal dental coverage.

The funniest thing about this whole mess is that the C.P.E. is a direct result of the Muslim ghetto riots in late 2005. In trying to placate the Muslim minorities by creating jobs, the French government upset the cushy status quo enjoyed by your average Frenchman who (much like the Muslims last year) acted like spoiled children by rioting and protesting. This reaction should have been easily foreseeable as the French populace are essentially wards of the state and feel threatened by change no matter how beneficial.

Friday, March 17, 2006


Yep folks, you asked for it and now you've got it! Break out your cash and let the betting begin- It's time for The Dick List Douche Madness! Can you pick this year's Douchy Four? Print out your brackets below and tell all your friends....

Image Hosted by

Wednesday, March 15, 2006


By Associate Contributor #1

At the ripe old age of thirteen, Natalie Portman’s precocious acting debut in “The Professional" captured the zeitgeist of American cinema. Portraying wisdom beyond her years, Natalie electrified critics and audiences alike with her spitfire performance. In the proceeding years, Natalie Portman has matured onscreen and in her life. After taking time off to attend Harvard, she returned to the screen with her delightfully wooden performance as Queen Arwen in George Lucas’s “Star Wars Trilogy.” She also nurtured the artist within by playing a deeply troubled woman in “Garden State” and a sexually permissive whore in “Closer”, which featured a graphic Lesbo sex scene with Julia Roberts. (I may have imagined that last part because I nodded off several times during that movie). Her latest project includes the film “V for Vendetta” which opens Friday and is about a masked hero fighting against an oppressive government. The film's producers are the creators of the “Matrix” trilogy Andy Wachowski and his “Brother”, noted She-Male Larry Wachowski. Natalie also has an upcoming book set to debut in the fall. Natalie Portman was gracious enough to sit down with me and discuss her life, her loves, and what motivates this truly ingenious performer. Please enjoy the TDL NEWS interview.

Tuesday, March 14, 2006


by Number 2 and TLA

PYONGYANG (Reuters)- North Korea began a new ad blitz today on South Korean TV promote its oft-misunderstood policies to the general public. The ads were designed by the best advertising agency in all of Pyongyang, and feature state of the art North Korean technology.

You can see the new North Korean ad here:

In response, the United States has announced it will start its own ad blitz entitled "Blow Me North Korea".


Monday, March 13, 2006


By: Associate Contributor #1

These days it seems that liberals go out of their way to compare people to Adolf Hitler. Whether it is our president, a religious leader, or the cashier at his or her local fair trade coffee shop, everyone is Hitler to them. Since liberals probably do not watch The History Channel and likely boycotted their high school history course, (no doubt because of the lack of lesbian, gay, and she-male representation in the text) how are they supposed to know when a comparison to Hitler is warranted?

The Dick List is all about spreading knowledge and helping people, so I prepared a list of people who most resemble Hitler in order to help our liberal pals be more accurate in their self-righteous ranting.

Saddam Hussein – Cruel dictator who consolidated power by disposing of his enemies through vile torture and terrorist means.

  • Hitler: ordered his armies into the Sudetenland, which he claimed was actually a part of Germany.
  • Hussein: ordered his armies into Kuwait, which he claimed was actually a part of Iraq.

  • Hitler: used gas to kill ethnic minorities in Germany and throughout Europe.
  • Hussein: used gas to kill ethnic minorities in Iraq; also Iranian Soldiers and civilians.

  • Hitler: had moustache.
  • Hussein: also had moustache, now scraggly beard.

Usama Bin Laden – Self ordained Sheik with delusions of grandeur, channels self-loathing of ignorant young males into hatred of the West.

  • Hitler: used V2 rockets to rain terror on London hoping to break the British people's will to fight. Given the finger by Winston Churchill.
  • Bin Laden: used aircraft to rain terror on New York City hoping to break the American people's will to fight. Given the finger by Rudy Giuliani.

  • Hitler: hoped to establish 1000 year Reich to reign over Europe, which he saw as his divine right.
  • Bin Laden: hopes to establish Caliphate to reign over the Middle East and Europe, which he sees as his divine right.

  • Hitler: died alone and beaten in a bunker hundreds of feet under the ground.
  • Bin Laden: will die alone and beaten in a cave hundreds of feet under the ground.

Mahmoud Ahmadinejad – Newly “elected” puppet of the Iranian Ayatollahs has gained traction and popularity among Iranian people by stoking nationalist fervor among the primitives and goatfuckers.

· Hitler: hard-line views about Germanys glorious future were music to people’s ears.

· Ahmadinejad: hard-line views about everything are music to people’s ears.

· Hitler: promised extermination of all Jews in Europe.

· Ahmadinejad: promise extermination of all Jews in Middle East if he gets nuke

· Hitler: was short.

· Ahmadinejad: practically a midget.

There you have it, liberal panty-wastes: three men who come close to Hitler. None of these men rise to his level, of course, partly because Germany in 1938 was more advanced than the countries these assholes come from are today. If you feel the overwhelming need to compare someone to history's greatest monster, use one of my suggestions and people won’t think you have syphilitic brain damage.

(Oh yeah I forgot about Paris Hilton.)

TLA: Hey, aren't we forgetting Stalin, Kim Jong Il, and Linsdey Lohan?

Image Hosted by

Sunday, March 12, 2006


Charles Gibson: "When Iran threatens harm and pain what can they do necessarily? I mean, are they talking about restricting oil sales and cutting off oil and perhaps driving the price of oil up? Are they talking about causing more problems in Iraq for the United States, what?"

Tom Friedman: "Well, of course if you're talking about the oil weapon, you know, from my own personal perspective, Charlie, they cut off oil and oil went to $100 a barrel that would make my day. Because the sooner we go to $100 a barrel, the sooner we're going to have everyone in America driving a plug-in hybrid car fueled by corn and ethanol. And I think that would be a great thing and that would ultimately free us from having to worry about these people."

As many of you might already know, Tom Friedman is a supposedly 'educated' op-ed writer/journalist for The Dick List's favorite newspaper, The New York Times.

Although we could go on for pages on how Mr. Freidman is 'out of touch with the American public' for his sadistic wish that middle class American families should have to spend $10 for a gallon of gasoline, we believe such an argument COMPLETELY MISSES THE FUCKING POINT.

Yeah, its likely most Americans would switch to ethanol powered hybrid cars if gas cost $10 per gallon. Its also likely that our economy would collapse, our military would be severely compromised, and our lifestyle would be totally altered. These are a small price to pay (to those of Mr. Friedman's ilk) if America could finally be weaned off of foreign oil. Fine. We at The Dick List are under no misconceptions about what the left desires to see, and this comes as no surprise to us.

It's what Tom doesn't say that exposes him as the utterly ignorant MSM leftist that he is.

The assumption that Tom Friedman- and indeed all leftists like to hang their hat on- is that the pernicious automobile is the sole cause of America's oil addiction and that if we could just all drive hybrid cars, then we would never have to worry about the likes of Iran, Venezuela, Iraq, Nigeria, or Saudi Arabia again.

Presto! All of America's foreign policy problems solved at once, along with our pollution problem to boot! The thought alone is enough to make any die-hard Times fan pop wood.



This means that over 12 MILLION barrels of oil PER DAY are required by the U.S.A. for needs other than gasoline. With a little arithmetic, one can decipher that the United States requires 4 BILLION 380 million barrels of oil per year FOR USES OTHER THAN POWERING OUR CARS (See-

The sad truth is that not only is your Jeep Grand Cherokee not the SOLE cause of America's oil addiction, IT'S NOT EVEN THE MAJOR CAUSE.

You see, the icky polluting fossil fuels that America rapaciously sucks out of the earth have uses other than powering your Grand Cherokee. Fossil fuels fill our jet planes, heat our homes, and power our electric plants. That's right, Tom. When you fly from your Upper East Side loft to go to the Hillary fundraiser in L.A., you're burning the shit out of tons of fossil fuel.

Oil is also used to produce plastics, industrial grease, diesel, and even the K-Y jelly that San Francisco simply cannot do without. Without oil, American industry would grind to a halt and all of those union manufacturing jobs that the Democrats champion would simply cease to be. Come to think of it, fossil fuels have tons of practical uses that aren't just going to go away any time soon!

As a matter of fact, a great deal of the fossil fuels consumed in America are used to GENERATE ELECTRICITY. Yep, those leftist protests against nuclear power (remember those, Greenpeace?) have had the very green effect of MAKING US TOTALLY DEPENDENT ON OIL AS THE SOURCE OF OUR ELECTRIC POWER.

To make a long story short, unless our effeminate, tofu-eating pals over at The New York Times can devise corn powered electric plants and hybrid drive jet planes, OIL ISN'T GOING FUCKIN' ANYWHERE.

And as for the wet dream du jour of the left, ethanol (which is derived from corn), we wish to inform our readership that in order to produce enough to power America's automobile fleet, ALL OF THE UNDEVELOPED LAND IN THIS ENTIRE NATION WOULD HAVE TO BE PLANTED WITH CORN. Great idea, environmentalists! I sure am glad you thought this one out so well. I'll get to work chopping down the Tufted Titmouse's forest habitat...shall we use tons of noxious pesticide to protect our fuel-corn or should we just use the genetically modified frankencorn?

While we here at The Dick List are no fans of big oil or the Saudis, the point of this article is to highlight the fact that THERE IS NO EASY ANSWER TO OUR ENERGY PROBLEM. Simply driving an ethanol powered hybrid car is not going to make our oil problems vanish. What you hear from the likes of The New York Times is at best spin and at worst willfully misleading.

Furthermore, we truly find it humorous that after spending much of the 1970's and 1980's dragging Nuclear power through the mud, the left- having made us totally dependent on fossil fuels- now wishes to see middle class Americans lose their shirts by seeing oil rise to $100 per barrel.

Personally, I think hybrid cars are probably a good thing. Anything we can do to reduce our oil requirements will benefit our national security, and I think its high time Hugo Chavez, the Saudis, and Vlad Putin lost their meal tickets. That being said, simply driving hybrid cars is NOT the answer to our problem. Unless the left is serious about reducing oil consumption- through a unified strategy of building nuclear power plants, driving hybrids, and using more solar, coal, and wind power- then it should just STFU already.

Oh- and one more thing. Tom Freidman, you are an ignoramus. You don't even belong writing for a high school gazette.

Hat Tip to Moonbattery for Tom Freidman's quotes.

Saturday, March 11, 2006


Once again proving the old addge that "The only good haji is a dead haji", Muslims in Kosovo- whom President Clinton and our predominanty Christian military so graciously saved- have embarked on a good 'ole faishon church burning spree. You're wecome, guys!

Would someone tell me, exactly, why we put U.S. soldiers at risk to save these animals?



Yes, it's true. Google has censored our comrades over at The People's Cube due to their political views.

As you know, the People's Cube is one of the leading sites on the web for mockery of leftism, and it has now been purged from Google's search results largely because the Cube asks people to think for themselves.

Of course we here at TDL cannot be far behind considering our affinity for obscenity, so we are asking all of our fans to visit The People's Cube early and often. Show your support. If the feeling so strikes you, write an email to the Google Politbureau demanding that its censorship be stopped. We cannot allow the leftists to bury us on the web as they've done in the media and in Hollywood.


Thursday, March 09, 2006


DUBAI (A.P.)- In a sweeping defeat, President Bush was prevented by congress from delivering helpless U.S. ports into the hands of terrorists.

"This is a great victory for the Democratic Party" said Hillary Clinton (D, N.Y.) "Its common sense that we shouldn't let sand-niggers run our ports. As many of you know, Democrats have long stood in the forefront of protecting our country via racial profiling and other related means. When election time comes, just remember that it is the Democratic Party that stands against swarthy ragheads. As far as we are concerned 'diversity' takes a back seat when American lives are under threat."

Hillary then set off to a fundraiser to save Latino-American lesbian condemned prison inmates from death row.

Senator Clinton's comments were echoed by top Republicans, including Seantor Rick Santorum of Pennsylvania: "I find that letting a company from Dubai run our ports is totally irresponsible on the part of the president. I also see that I could get voted out of office if we keep pissing off the public, so now seems like a good time for me to abandon Bush to the MSM wolves. It's been real, Dubya."

In other news, Iraq careened through its second week of all-out civil war as President Bush was powerless to stop the bloodshed. Baghdad has been surrounded by a rebel Sunni army, and it has been estimated by New York Times journalists that over 145,000 people have been killed or wounded in the last 5 days alone.

Baghdad's encirclement followed last week's burning of Basra and the massacre of Kirkuk- in which Kurdish partisans slaughtered over 15,000 Shi'ite men, women, and children.

For more on the Iraqi civil war, stay tuned to The Dick List and The New York Times.

-The List Admin.

Wednesday, March 08, 2006


Check out this story from our hard-hitting colleagues over at The People's Cube

As for now TLA and AC#1 are taking a rest from their hectic blogging schedule and will return in a day or so with fresh material.

Tuesday, March 07, 2006


Learn the Qu'ran....with full illustrated and completely offensive cartoon pictures of Muhammed!

Caution- this can be slow loading and some of the graphics won't load at all, but altogther a must read for TDL fans. I wish we had the skill to execute something like this ourselves.


Monday, March 06, 2006


LOS ANGELES (Reuters)- Last night's Academy Awards produced a stunning result as race trumped homosexuality for best social cause. Homosexuality was the heavy favorite to take home the coveted B.S.C. Oscar, however Academy voters defied the oddsmakers in what may be the greatest upset in history.

"I was shocked and amazed" crowed Harry Belafonte, who accepted the award on behalf of race. "I just want to thank all those voters out there who recoginzed all of our hard work in keeping race at the forefront of everyone's minds. If you can't see a man by his features and skin color, then what can you see? I am so happy the [academy] has validated our cause one again."

All was not lost, however, for gayness. Homosexuality edged heterosexuality and bisexuality for the best sexual orientation Oscar. As Hollywood's 'it' orientation of the moment, industry insiders think that homosexuality will now see a dramatic increase in the number of roles it receives in future films.

Despite outcries from various conservative groups, the Academy Awards voters strongly denied they are trying to foist an unpopular left-wing agenda upon the American public through their Oscar choices. "Homosexuality truly deserved that Oscar" said voter Richard Hedd. "It has come of age after all these years and now has, in fact, surpassed heterosexuality as the natural way of doing things; just the idea of two sweaty mens bare-assed in riding chaps is something that all humans should not only tolerate, but celebrate and accept completely normal. This has absolutely nothing to do with any so-called 'progressyve agenda'".

In other news, Islam took home the Oscar for best religion beating out Christianity, Judiasm, Hinduism, and Buddhism. This is the fifth time since the 2001 Awards that Islam has won the best religion Oscar.

"Islam deserves our respect because its anti-Western. We're also terrified of Muslims, so its best not to offend them. By giving Muslims everything they want, we can be sure that they will eventually be appeased" said Academy voter Marshall Hirsch. "Islam truly is the best religion because Allah is most wise and most merciful (pbuh). I'm also not favorably inclined towards being stabbed to death in the street a la Theo VanGogh, so I fully support Islam's win. Besides, if we continue to show Muslims the true value tolerance, diversity, and mutliculturalism, when they become our masters I'm sure they will treat gays, women, atheists, and transexuals with enlightened progressive respect- unlike our evil white male European forbearers".

Finally, the Academy Award for best freedom fighter was won by Abu Musab Al Zarkawi, best historical documentary was taken home by Syriana, and best supporting skin color was won by medium brown.

Saturday, March 04, 2006


By Associate Contributor #1

Have you been ignoring the parts of your life that used to be important to you? Do you have trouble concentrating at work? Well the problem may be more serious than you think.

Limatitus is a Medical Condition that can alter your life on a daily basis. It is caused by overexposure to images of Adriana Lima (Brazilianous Supermodelus)

Symptoms may include:

· Excessive Sweating

· Nervousness

· Chronic Dry-eye

· Memory Loss

· Tightness in the front of your pants

If left untreated, severe Limatitus may develop and can lead to:

  • Tennis Elbow
  • Loss of Interest in Spouse or Girlfriend
  • Desire to sniff panties

Thanks to TDL laboratories, millions of men suffering from Limatitus have new hope to lead normal lives:

Hillarytussin is the breakthrough treatment for Limatitus. Named after America’s Mother-In-Law Hillary Clinton, Hillarytussin is clinically GUARANTEED to decrease a man’s desire for wild sex with a Brazilian Supermodel.

Hillarytussin’s patented Anti-Vasodilation formula redirects blood flow away from the wang, freeing you from the cycle of panty sniffing and masturbation associated with Limatitus. If you’re ready to move on with your life, Hillarytussin may be right for you.

Just read this testimonial:

“I’ve been struggling with Limatitus. Hillarytussin is helping me to regain control. I only yanked my crank 27 times last week. Thanks Hillarytussin!” – Number 2

Take Control with Hillarytussin.

Thursday, March 02, 2006





An Associate Contributor #1 Film
Sean Penn
Patrick Ewing
and Reese Witherspoon as the gender re-assignment nurse


It is the year 2007 and terrorists have attacked America once again. The Central Intelligence Agency knows it has only one hope to prevent further mayhem....

Chris Cross (Sean Penn) is the best agent the agency had ever seen. Chris had been forced into retirement by the government because he was a homosexual. The C.I.A. sends two agents on an emergency mission to find Chris and return him to Langley.

When they arrive at his home, Chris is ready for action... and is also a tranny. Chris knew the attack was coming having discovered the plot while having his wang chopped off in Thailand; It attempted to warn it’s former bosses but was ignored because it was an "it".

Chris also learned that this attack was just a test run, and a larger attack is in the works. Chris is assigned to stop the terror cell before it strikes again. It is partnered with Lance Chest (Matt Damon), a former colleague who had forbidden lust for it when it was still a him, but Lance and Chris could not express their love because of the oppressive white male leadership at the C.I.A.

Lance is now married but after he is reunited with it, Lance realizes that men who become women are far superior to actual women. In the course of their investigation, Chris and Lance discover that the Carrier air-conditioning company with the support of the White House is actually behind all terror attacks.

The insidious goal of the plot is to give America an excuse to steal Arab oil to artificially keep gas prices low so people don’t drive hybrid cars, accelerating Global Warming raising temperatures all over the Earth...thus forcing people to buy air-conditioning units.

A tranny reporter named TaSteven Johnson (Patrick Ewing) who has a lesbian girlfriend working for Carrier at its Las Vegas headquarters aids the investigation.

Brightsun Runningwatermoon (Lou Diamond Phillips) is a disabled Native Western Hemispherian with a secret life with TaSteven and is acting as a whistleblower. The White House learns how close the trannies have come to discovering their secret plot and holds hearings accusing women of having abortions, which are now illegal.

When TaSteven is accused of having an abortion, it loses its job at the newspaper and is blacklisted. Brightsun Runningwatermoon is murdered and TaSteven backs off the story out of fear.

Chris and Lance now express their true love for each other and continue the investigation despite ominous warnings to back off. The White House and Carrier set up a group of innocent Arab victims as the terror cell behind the original attack. Chris leads the field-op to arrest the men, but Lance is shot and the innocent Arabs are killed.

The White House trumpets the arrests and closes the investigation down. Chris leaves the C.I.A. and returns to normal life defeated... until a joint European Union/ United Nations strike force comes to Chris, willing to aid it and TaSteven in bringing down Carrier.

With the help of the task force, Chris, TaSteven, and Lance infiltrate Carrier’s headquarters and secretly broadcast the CEO of Carrier (Willem Dafoe) bragging to them about his evil plans with the help of a heroic MSM news anchorman. The CEO flees into the desert pursued by Chris and TaSteven.

The gas-guzzling SUV the CEO is driving is no match for the efficiency of the trannies' hybrid car and breaks down. They continue the chase on foot into the “Flaming Man Festival” which is underway nearby. The peace and love overwhelms the CEO and gives him the strength to admit he’s a homosexual. After making out with a young Asian man (Jackie Chan), he promises to fight to repair the environment that he did so much to harm.


Wednesday, March 01, 2006


NEW YORK (A.P.)- A new progressyve children's book has been released by famous author Jeremy Zilber entitled "Why Mommy is a Democrat".

Image Hosted by

Image Hosted by

Image Hosted by

You can see more of the original edition here.

After sales of the book slumped well below expectations, The List Administrator of The Dick List was called in to edit the book. What followed was truly a masterpiece, and lots more accurate...

Image Hosted by

Image Hosted by

Hat Tip Moonbattery.