CHARLIE SHEEN INVESTIGATES: THE BORIS MYSTERY
By: Charley Sheen / #3
Well here I'am stuck in stupid Russia while TDL NEWS is up for some super prestigious award. I called that jerk A.C #1 and told him I need to come home and go shopping so I would look good for the ceremony and he was all like "Charlie it isn't that type of thing and blah, blah, blah." Translation he wants all the glory for himself while I get to be stuck in Moscow like a moron.
I've been here covering the investigation of this Russian Spy who got killed by some poison Bolognium or something man I'll never look at a package of Oscar Mayer the same way after hearing about that. Anyway this Alexander Litvie...Litvinke...Litviqu...uh let's just call him Boris was totally in deep cover and knew lots of stuff like probably who was really behind 9-11 and junk. So there were loads of people who had reason to slip him a deadly Bolognium and cheese sandwich in London, ya know to get him outta the way of their evil plans.
When I was in London watching this guy Boris dying I met up with that old Lesbian with the hairlip from my time in Lesbanon. Her name is Chistina or something except she got a really funny accent and pronounces it "Cris-tea-yan" for some reason. She was going to Moscow and told me "Charles you must go to Moscow if you want to find out who killed Boris." and I was like "Moscow huh, never heard of it before, is it new or something." And she thought I was so funny. Anyway I like going to new places because I can add them to my upcoming memoir "Cities where I've boinked hot chicks."
The guy at the American Embassy in London was cool. He had to brief me before my trip to Moscow. He was all like "If you plan on having sex with a hooker in Russia make sure you use a condom, because they are total skanks. And if you don't have a condom make sure to use the backdoor so you don't get any hookers pregnant." At least that's how I heard what he said.
I've been in Moscow a while and banged like six hookers and my pecker hasn't fallen off yet so I ain't worried. As for the Boris mystery I've made some good progress. I not speak Russian good like I do American so I hired a fat Uzbek guy named Sasha Vityuch...Vitchuyi...Vichiy...let's just call him Boris2 to translate as I delve deeper into the underbelly of Russian spy crapola. I told Boris2 that I was investigating the death of Boris1 and he started to get all nervous. The old Lesbian with the hairlip told me to buy some Vodka at the duty free shop to bribe people so I handed him some Grey Goose L'Orange. When he saw that it was Grey Goose he got all pissed and kicked me in the balls and said he was calling upon the goats of his ancestors to curse me for insulting Mother Russia by giving him French Vodka. After he drank a couple of bottles he mellowed out for a while before stripping off his clothes, trashing my hotel room, running naked through the lobby and passing out in a big pile of snow out in the parking-lot.
(This is me and that jerk Boris2. He got naked and passed out right before some tourist took my picture)
When Boris2 woke up he was in a much better mood. I asked if he knew anybody who had information on the assassination of Boris1. He told me he knew a guy but it would be expensive. Unfortunately I only had $175,000 in cash on me. I asked Boris if it were enough and he was like "duh" he says "duh" alot I think he might be half-retarded or somethin'. We set out that night to meet his contact and man it was all Black Ops and shit. We hadda go through the back alleys of Moscow and yeah its as fucked up as it sounds, almost as bad as the Valley. After driving through Moscow for a while we come to this little shack next to a buncha warehouses I swear my meth dealer has nicer digs than this. We get to the door of the shack which for some reason is like a bank vault, Boris2 knocks and screams something in Russian which sounds like when you press rewind and fast-foward at the same time on a tape recorder. When we get inside I was totally surprised because it was like a Russian version of Celebrity Poker Tour or something, except there were a lot more guns, and a big fat guy cursing and slapping a hooker, and a guy curled up in the corner in the fetal position crying with a swastika carved into his forehead, but other than that it was totally the same. Boris2 introduced me to a guy with a glass eye named Vitali Yulyachenkskya. Hopefully whatever this guy knows will help me in my investigations.
Well here I'am stuck in stupid Russia while TDL NEWS is up for some super prestigious award. I called that jerk A.C #1 and told him I need to come home and go shopping so I would look good for the ceremony and he was all like "Charlie it isn't that type of thing and blah, blah, blah." Translation he wants all the glory for himself while I get to be stuck in Moscow like a moron.
I've been here covering the investigation of this Russian Spy who got killed by some poison Bolognium or something man I'll never look at a package of Oscar Mayer the same way after hearing about that. Anyway this Alexander Litvie...Litvinke...Litviqu...uh let's just call him Boris was totally in deep cover and knew lots of stuff like probably who was really behind 9-11 and junk. So there were loads of people who had reason to slip him a deadly Bolognium and cheese sandwich in London, ya know to get him outta the way of their evil plans.
When I was in London watching this guy Boris dying I met up with that old Lesbian with the hairlip from my time in Lesbanon. Her name is Chistina or something except she got a really funny accent and pronounces it "Cris-tea-yan" for some reason. She was going to Moscow and told me "Charles you must go to Moscow if you want to find out who killed Boris." and I was like "Moscow huh, never heard of it before, is it new or something." And she thought I was so funny. Anyway I like going to new places because I can add them to my upcoming memoir "Cities where I've boinked hot chicks."
The guy at the American Embassy in London was cool. He had to brief me before my trip to Moscow. He was all like "If you plan on having sex with a hooker in Russia make sure you use a condom, because they are total skanks. And if you don't have a condom make sure to use the backdoor so you don't get any hookers pregnant." At least that's how I heard what he said.
I've been in Moscow a while and banged like six hookers and my pecker hasn't fallen off yet so I ain't worried. As for the Boris mystery I've made some good progress. I not speak Russian good like I do American so I hired a fat Uzbek guy named Sasha Vityuch...Vitchuyi...Vichiy...let's just call him Boris2 to translate as I delve deeper into the underbelly of Russian spy crapola. I told Boris2 that I was investigating the death of Boris1 and he started to get all nervous. The old Lesbian with the hairlip told me to buy some Vodka at the duty free shop to bribe people so I handed him some Grey Goose L'Orange. When he saw that it was Grey Goose he got all pissed and kicked me in the balls and said he was calling upon the goats of his ancestors to curse me for insulting Mother Russia by giving him French Vodka. After he drank a couple of bottles he mellowed out for a while before stripping off his clothes, trashing my hotel room, running naked through the lobby and passing out in a big pile of snow out in the parking-lot.
(This is me and that jerk Boris2. He got naked and passed out right before some tourist took my picture)
When Boris2 woke up he was in a much better mood. I asked if he knew anybody who had information on the assassination of Boris1. He told me he knew a guy but it would be expensive. Unfortunately I only had $175,000 in cash on me. I asked Boris if it were enough and he was like "duh" he says "duh" alot I think he might be half-retarded or somethin'. We set out that night to meet his contact and man it was all Black Ops and shit. We hadda go through the back alleys of Moscow and yeah its as fucked up as it sounds, almost as bad as the Valley. After driving through Moscow for a while we come to this little shack next to a buncha warehouses I swear my meth dealer has nicer digs than this. We get to the door of the shack which for some reason is like a bank vault, Boris2 knocks and screams something in Russian which sounds like when you press rewind and fast-foward at the same time on a tape recorder. When we get inside I was totally surprised because it was like a Russian version of Celebrity Poker Tour or something, except there were a lot more guns, and a big fat guy cursing and slapping a hooker, and a guy curled up in the corner in the fetal position crying with a swastika carved into his forehead, but other than that it was totally the same. Boris2 introduced me to a guy with a glass eye named Vitali Yulyachenkskya. Hopefully whatever this guy knows will help me in my investigations.
posted by The TDL News Team at 6:42 AM
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