CHARLIE SHEEN'S REPORTERS NOTEBOOK: ON THE CAMPAIGN TRAIL '06 Pt.2
By: Charlie Sheen / #3
First of all the Sheen didn’t bang a tranny like he thought. It turns out that it was just a really ugly woman named Consuela. She been helping us to find out where we lost Senator Kennedy. Like I said in my last Reporters Notebook Evan thinks it would be a good idea if we retraced our steps from when we first arrived in Rio three weeks ago.
When we got off the plane, which was first class all the way, Uncle Teddy was all like “That Brazilian Scotch they served on the flight was terrible.” So we went to the Brazilian governments fancy reception for the Senator because we figured there would be free booze. After we drank those suckers dry I was like “that waitresses ass is making the front of my pants shrink.” We all laughed about that for like five hours. Than we decided to go to our five star hotel, but on the way there we saw this huge crowd of people and went to take a look at what was going on. Apparently there was some dumb soccer game on and man is soccer boring but the chicks there were soooo totally hot and when they jumped up and down to celebrate you could totally rub up against them and they didn’t even notice.
When the game was over I was totally horny and drunk. We found this place called “Clube grande do gosto bunda.” When the dick at the front door said that the place was full Uncle Teddy was like “Do you know who I’am?” And I was like “hey I was gonna say that.” Anyway after they found out that they had a United States Senator and a Megastar TV actor at their club they made us celebrity guest judges of their “Bunda é muito o sexo” contest. We basically just sat there and watched these Brazilian chicks shake their asses and got drunk for four days straight. Unfortunately they kept giving us mojito’s and Uncle Teddy was like “Gud lawd this thing tastes like Sprite and toothpaste” after he won the mojito drinking contest.
(This is me and Uncle Teddy at the Bunda club. You can't tell from this picture but this girl totally wanted me)
At the end of the fourth day of competition I really needed to get some and this dude I met in the men’s room told me if I go to the “Favela da Morte” I could totally get laid for a quarter and I was like “I have a quarter.” At this point Uncle Teddy’s head intern Evan got all bitchy about us going to the “Favela da Morte” to get quarter pussy.
Than it hit me: That must be where we lost Uncle Teddy! I told Evan we had to go back to the Favela to find Senator Kennedy. Evan asked me if this was all just a ploy to get some more quarter pussy and I was like “Yes.”
The whorehouse in “Favela da Morte” is a real dump when you’re sober. Evan and me found that tranny I thought I banged who was really just a hideously ugly woman named Consuela I wrote about before. I asked her if she knew what happened to Uncle Teddy. She said that he was about to bang one of the quarter hookers when, against her advice, he drank a glass of Brazilian tap water. After he drank it Consuela said he stripped naked and ran off into the jungle trying to catch a monkey who had stolen his heart medication. She said she could help us find him. We would leave at dawn.
After wandering through the jungle for hours we came to the ruins of an Egyptian temple or somethin’. Me I’m still totally stoned at this point and I started thinking that Consuela really was a man after all. When we get to the feet of the ruined temple all these little Mexicans come rushing out of everywhere with spears and shit, man I almost had a heart attack and Evan started crying like a little girl, what a wuss! Anyway after a while of them threatening to eat Evan, and me checking out the hot Mexican native girls who totally had their tits hanging out, we finally see Senator Kennedy at the top of the temple naked which was gross! “This isn’t going to poll well with Latinos!” Evan yelled. The Mexican’s with spears dragged Evan and me up to the steps of the temple to meet Senator Kennedy who put on pants thank God!
Uncle Teddy was all like “They’ve finally sent you.” “Um …Senator the election is less than thirty-six hours from now we have to get back to Boston” Evan said to Uncle Teddy. “Do you not see the Utopia I’ve created?” Uncle Teddy said. Than I was like “I don’t know what a Utopia is but this place smells like poop.” “Yes but it is the poop of freedom. In America we have gone too far to ever go back. The government, which I have been a part of for so long, has become so big it impacts every aspect of the peoples lives and if my party takes power the problem will only get worse. Religion will be stricken from daily life, taxes will increase to a degree that the Middle Class we pretend to protect will be choked further into a precarious position of increased debt, and the heroes of our Military and Law Enforcement agencies will be maligned as terrorists while the real terrorist are coddled by our new Senate leaders. The government is a giant untamed beast that will continue its stampede towards erasing the ordinary freedoms of my countrymen, but here there is freedom. In this lush wilderness I can start again with these simple natives." I’m usually not good at giving speeches and stuff unless it’s a very special moment on my Mega-hit TV series “Two and a Half Men” but I felt like I hadda say something so I was like “Senator Kennedy this place be stupid…” than Evan interrupted me “Think of all you’ve accomplished Senator. The struggle for Civil Rights, fighting to end the Vietnam War, and what you’ve done to undercut the Bush Administration. Think of all the free booze, and plane tickets, and golf trips. Think of all the people who forgive your obvious character flaws and grovel at your feet. Think of all the kickbacks and shady dealings for God’s sake think of the “Big Dig.”
I don’t know what no “Big Dig” is, but up to that point Senator Kennedy had that sleepy-eyed stoned look like I always have. Uncle Teddy said “The Big Dig. My masterpiece of inefficient government and bureaucratic corruption.” Than Evan said, “Remember.” “Gud lawd look at me, Jack must be rolling in his grave. How much time till the election? What’s the name of my opponent? I need the latest polling data to see if he’s gained any traction.” Uncle Teddy said to Evan. Evan was totally freaked because we may have found Uncle Teddy but his Blackberry was still M.I.A he told Uncle Teddy “Um…Senator I’m sorry but I can’t find my…” Uncle Teddy interrupted him “A Republican gain traction in Massachusetts, that was a joke you retard.” And we totally laughed in Evan’s stupid monkey face.
We finally found Uncle Teddy and made it back to Boston yesterday. It wasn't easy to get from Boston to Brazil with only two days till the election but we made it. Our long trek ended when we arrived at Senator Kennedy's HQ this morning but the place was like totally empty. The only person there was Lilith and she was just packing up boxes and shit. Senator Kennedy was all like "What's going on? This is the home stretch we can't just pack up and quit no matter how bad the situation looks. Victory can still be achieved." Than Lilith and the rest of the girls from FSU started laughing and she said "Senator Kennedy the election was over a week ago."
"Err Uh start laughing you idiots." Uncle Teddy told us. So we all laughed for like ten minutes than I got super confused and was like "Uncle Teddy we've been in Brazil for the last month how could you be winning the election if you weren't even here?
Uncle Teddy said: "Chevy my friend if you're a Democrat in Massachusettes elections just take care of themselves."
First of all the Sheen didn’t bang a tranny like he thought. It turns out that it was just a really ugly woman named Consuela. She been helping us to find out where we lost Senator Kennedy. Like I said in my last Reporters Notebook Evan thinks it would be a good idea if we retraced our steps from when we first arrived in Rio three weeks ago.
When we got off the plane, which was first class all the way, Uncle Teddy was all like “That Brazilian Scotch they served on the flight was terrible.” So we went to the Brazilian governments fancy reception for the Senator because we figured there would be free booze. After we drank those suckers dry I was like “that waitresses ass is making the front of my pants shrink.” We all laughed about that for like five hours. Than we decided to go to our five star hotel, but on the way there we saw this huge crowd of people and went to take a look at what was going on. Apparently there was some dumb soccer game on and man is soccer boring but the chicks there were soooo totally hot and when they jumped up and down to celebrate you could totally rub up against them and they didn’t even notice.
When the game was over I was totally horny and drunk. We found this place called “Clube grande do gosto bunda.” When the dick at the front door said that the place was full Uncle Teddy was like “Do you know who I’am?” And I was like “hey I was gonna say that.” Anyway after they found out that they had a United States Senator and a Megastar TV actor at their club they made us celebrity guest judges of their “Bunda é muito o sexo” contest. We basically just sat there and watched these Brazilian chicks shake their asses and got drunk for four days straight. Unfortunately they kept giving us mojito’s and Uncle Teddy was like “Gud lawd this thing tastes like Sprite and toothpaste” after he won the mojito drinking contest.
(This is me and Uncle Teddy at the Bunda club. You can't tell from this picture but this girl totally wanted me)
At the end of the fourth day of competition I really needed to get some and this dude I met in the men’s room told me if I go to the “Favela da Morte” I could totally get laid for a quarter and I was like “I have a quarter.” At this point Uncle Teddy’s head intern Evan got all bitchy about us going to the “Favela da Morte” to get quarter pussy.
Than it hit me: That must be where we lost Uncle Teddy! I told Evan we had to go back to the Favela to find Senator Kennedy. Evan asked me if this was all just a ploy to get some more quarter pussy and I was like “Yes.”
The whorehouse in “Favela da Morte” is a real dump when you’re sober. Evan and me found that tranny I thought I banged who was really just a hideously ugly woman named Consuela I wrote about before. I asked her if she knew what happened to Uncle Teddy. She said that he was about to bang one of the quarter hookers when, against her advice, he drank a glass of Brazilian tap water. After he drank it Consuela said he stripped naked and ran off into the jungle trying to catch a monkey who had stolen his heart medication. She said she could help us find him. We would leave at dawn.
After wandering through the jungle for hours we came to the ruins of an Egyptian temple or somethin’. Me I’m still totally stoned at this point and I started thinking that Consuela really was a man after all. When we get to the feet of the ruined temple all these little Mexicans come rushing out of everywhere with spears and shit, man I almost had a heart attack and Evan started crying like a little girl, what a wuss! Anyway after a while of them threatening to eat Evan, and me checking out the hot Mexican native girls who totally had their tits hanging out, we finally see Senator Kennedy at the top of the temple naked which was gross! “This isn’t going to poll well with Latinos!” Evan yelled. The Mexican’s with spears dragged Evan and me up to the steps of the temple to meet Senator Kennedy who put on pants thank God!
Uncle Teddy was all like “They’ve finally sent you.” “Um …Senator the election is less than thirty-six hours from now we have to get back to Boston” Evan said to Uncle Teddy. “Do you not see the Utopia I’ve created?” Uncle Teddy said. Than I was like “I don’t know what a Utopia is but this place smells like poop.” “Yes but it is the poop of freedom. In America we have gone too far to ever go back. The government, which I have been a part of for so long, has become so big it impacts every aspect of the peoples lives and if my party takes power the problem will only get worse. Religion will be stricken from daily life, taxes will increase to a degree that the Middle Class we pretend to protect will be choked further into a precarious position of increased debt, and the heroes of our Military and Law Enforcement agencies will be maligned as terrorists while the real terrorist are coddled by our new Senate leaders. The government is a giant untamed beast that will continue its stampede towards erasing the ordinary freedoms of my countrymen, but here there is freedom. In this lush wilderness I can start again with these simple natives." I’m usually not good at giving speeches and stuff unless it’s a very special moment on my Mega-hit TV series “Two and a Half Men” but I felt like I hadda say something so I was like “Senator Kennedy this place be stupid…” than Evan interrupted me “Think of all you’ve accomplished Senator. The struggle for Civil Rights, fighting to end the Vietnam War, and what you’ve done to undercut the Bush Administration. Think of all the free booze, and plane tickets, and golf trips. Think of all the people who forgive your obvious character flaws and grovel at your feet. Think of all the kickbacks and shady dealings for God’s sake think of the “Big Dig.”
I don’t know what no “Big Dig” is, but up to that point Senator Kennedy had that sleepy-eyed stoned look like I always have. Uncle Teddy said “The Big Dig. My masterpiece of inefficient government and bureaucratic corruption.” Than Evan said, “Remember.” “Gud lawd look at me, Jack must be rolling in his grave. How much time till the election? What’s the name of my opponent? I need the latest polling data to see if he’s gained any traction.” Uncle Teddy said to Evan. Evan was totally freaked because we may have found Uncle Teddy but his Blackberry was still M.I.A he told Uncle Teddy “Um…Senator I’m sorry but I can’t find my…” Uncle Teddy interrupted him “A Republican gain traction in Massachusetts, that was a joke you retard.” And we totally laughed in Evan’s stupid monkey face.
We finally found Uncle Teddy and made it back to Boston yesterday. It wasn't easy to get from Boston to Brazil with only two days till the election but we made it. Our long trek ended when we arrived at Senator Kennedy's HQ this morning but the place was like totally empty. The only person there was Lilith and she was just packing up boxes and shit. Senator Kennedy was all like "What's going on? This is the home stretch we can't just pack up and quit no matter how bad the situation looks. Victory can still be achieved." Than Lilith and the rest of the girls from FSU started laughing and she said "Senator Kennedy the election was over a week ago."
"Err Uh start laughing you idiots." Uncle Teddy told us. So we all laughed for like ten minutes than I got super confused and was like "Uncle Teddy we've been in Brazil for the last month how could you be winning the election if you weren't even here?
Uncle Teddy said: "Chevy my friend if you're a Democrat in Massachusettes elections just take care of themselves."
The And.
posted by The TDL News Team at 6:20 PM
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