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Saturday, October 14, 2006


Several years ago Paris Hilton began schlepping some little rat-dog* around in a $5,000 Prada bag. Within two weeks every young, female celebrity had a teeny tiny little dog with them everywhere they went. One comic on television said "How long before celebrities are using kids as fashion accessories."

The answer? About two years.

Madonna, apparently jealous of Angelin Jolie's multicultural little brood, went to the African nation of Malawi to adopt a black baby boy. She apparently told local officials to present her with a list of one-year-old boys in the area so she could choose exactly which type of child will be this season's hot accessory in Milan.

What does this dirt-poor village get in return for giving up an actual human being? Madonna paid $40,000 to build them an orphanage and a school. Except she stipulated that the school must teach Kabbalah to the village children. So not only has Madonna essentially bought an African child, she pays for him by forcing her absurd pseudo-cult onto the willage from which she acquired her new child/slave/prop. The kid will be trotted out for red carpets and Vanity Fair spreads for a few years until Madonna moves on to the new trend, at which time he will be shipped off to a boarding school in the English countryside, never to be seen again.

With the month at least one other female celebrity will go to some third-world hell hole and come out with a squealing accessory. Next time it may be the jungles of Belize, or the slums of Tajikistan. When the Oscars come around in March there will be literally dozens, maybe even hundreds, of small children in attendance. Of course by the time the Emmys are distributed the kids will be gone, shuffled off to nannies and boarding schools. Because you can't wear the same accessory to an event twice.

*(a Rat-Dog is defined as any dog that would get it's ass kicked by a cat, hence: Rat-Dog)