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Sunday, July 09, 2006

TDL GAMING: THE WORLD SERIES OF VICTIMHOOD POKER

WHAT IS VICTIMHOOD POKER?

Victimhood Poker (VP) can trace its roots all the way back to the admissions department at Harvard University, where its constituent parts were invented back in 1978 following the U.S. Supreme Court's Bakke decision. In the interest of fairness and in order circumvent arbitrary admissions criteria such as scholastic performance and standardized test scores, sociologists at Harvard devised a brilliant system of using cards to assign a numerical value/ranking to applicants' physical features, sexual preference, religion, and/or gender. By enabling the University to avoid making admissions judgments tinged with ingrained and systemic Western racism/sexism/homophobia, the card-based admissions system was a huge success and it soon spread to other Ivy League schools such as Yale, Columbia, Brown, and Princeton.

By 1990, admissions in nearly all American universities were being decided by mixing and matching the above-mentioned victimization cards, which, not surprisingly, developed to represent the hierarchy of victimhood in the mindset of progressives around the world.

One fateful day in 1996, a group of intoxicated freshman at the State University of New York- Oneonta broke into that college's admissions office looking for rolling papers and Doritos. Instead, they found the deck of victimization cards. Unsure what they were or what to do with them, the drunk freshmen stole the cards and took them back to their dorm. As legend has it, later that night over a carton of Marlboro light cigarettes and a case of warm Miller Genuine Draft, the freshman engaged in the first ever game of Victimhood Poker.

The rest, as they say, is history......

THE DECK

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BLACK- ACE- 14 Points

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AMERICAN INDIAN- KING- 13 Points

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MUSLIM- QUEEN- 12 Points

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HISPANIC- JACK- 11 Points

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TRANSGENDER- 10 Points

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GAY- 9 Points

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FEMALE- 8 Points

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ORIENTAL- 7 Points

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HANDICAPPED- 6 Points

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FUZZY ANIMAL- 5 Points

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NON-CHRISTIAN- 4 Points

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EAST INDIAN- 3 Points

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DESTITUTE- 2 Points

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WHITE- JOKER- 0 Points

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STRAIGHT- JOKER- 0 Points

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CHRISTIAN- JOKER- 0 Points

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BOURGEOIS- JOKER- 0 Points

CARD CLASSES AND RULES

There are 2 skin color cards (Black, White)

There are 4 ethnicity cards (Native American, Hispanic, Oriental, Hindu)

There are 2 gender cards (Female, Transformer)

There are 4 religion cards (Muslim, Non-Christian, Hindu, and Christian)

There are 2 economic class cards (Poor, Well Off)

There are 3 cards without a class (Gay, Handicapped, and Animal)

There are 4 Jokers (Christian, Well Off, White, and Straight)

The winning hand combines the highest point total of each class of cards. The winning hand may comprise of only ONE of each class; 5 cards are initially dealt and the player chooses the most valuable cards to make up the best possible victim. After the first 5 are dealt, bets are taken and player can fold/raise as they choose.

After bets are taken, 3 community cards are dealt to the center of the table, not unlike Texas Hold 'em.

Obviously, the winner has the highest possible point total from the cards dealt between their hand and the community cards.

GAMEPLAY

For example, lets say player 1 is dealt a hand of: Black (A), Transgender (10), Non-Christian (4), Christian (Jo), Muslim (Q). Black, as an Ace, has a value of 14 points, Muslim is worth 12, Transgender is worth 10, Non-Christian is worth 4, and Christian, as a Joker, is valueless. To make the winning hand, player 1 must choose between the three religion cards but will obviously choose Muslim since Non-Christain is only worth 4 points and Christian is a Joker.

Thus, the most victimized hand player 1 can assemble from the cards he's been dealt is a Transgendered Gay Black Muslim, which is worth 45 points total.

Now, lets say player 2 receives a hand of American Indian (K), Hispanic (Q), Oriental (7), Handicapped (6), Female (8). Since American Indian, Hispanic, and Oriental are all ethnicities, only ONE can be chosen of the bunch. Player 2 is compelled to choose American Indian, since it is a King and thus bears the value of 13 points versus Hispanic (11 points) or Oriental (7 points). Female and Handicapped, however, can now be added to the mix because Female is of the gender class and Handicapped has no card class. Thus, the best possible victim player 2 can assemble from the first round of cards is a Handicapped American Indian Woman, which bears a point total of 27 points.

Since a Gay Black Transgendered Muslim is worth 45, it easily trumps player 2's victim of a Handicapped Female Native American.

Now let's say player 3 receives a hand of Poor (2), Poor (2), Hispanic (Q), Hindu (3), and Straight (Jo). Even though player 3 has received 2 poor cards, he can only play only ONE because no card can be played twice. The best possible victim player 3 can achieve is a Poor Hispanic, since Hispanic and Hindu, as ethnicities, are exclusive of one another. A Poor Hispanic is worth only 13 points, which is far surpassed by a Black Transgendered Muslim and a Handicapped Native American Woman.

Finally, player 4 receives a hand of Black, American Indian, Muslim, Transgendered and Gay. This is the most valuable 5 card hand in the game of Victimhood Poker, and is commonly referred to as a Brown University Bash. A Brown U. Bash is worth a whopping 58 points, since a Gay Transgendered Black Native American Muslim is the best initial victim possible in the game.

COMMUNITY CARDS

Now the community cards are dealt and they are as follows: Hispanic, Non-Christian, and Well Off.

Player 1 can add Hispanic to his hand, since he has no previous ethnicity card. Thus, Player 1's best possible victim is now a Gay Black-Hispanic Muslim who happens to be Transgendered. This is worth 56 points total.

Player 2 can add Non-Christian to his hand, since he has no previous religion card. Thus, his victim now becomes a Non-Christian Handicapped Female Native American, which is worth 31 points total.

Player 3 may also add non-Christian to his hand, and thus he now has a Poor, Non-Christian Hispanic. Still, player 3's hand is only worth 17 points and he probably should have folded before the flop.

Player 4 adds nothing from the community cards, since he already has a religion (Muslim), he already has an ethnicity (Native American), and Well Off is a valueless Joker.

Thus, player 4 must stand pat at 58 points but luckily he narrowly defeats player 1 and takes the pot.


THE VICTIMHOOD DECK- ANCILLARY USES

As well as being a means to decide who gets admitted to college and a welcome diversion for millions of gamers, the Victimhood Poker deck has a host of practical, everyday uses.

For example, take these comments attached to the 7/7/06 post on excellent British blog, House of Dumb (in reference to a planned gay pride march to the temple mount in Jerusalem):


So what do they do if the ragheads go nuts at the poofters? Which side does the Left damn? I never can remember which group trumps whom in the hierarchy of Lefty identity politics.

Book me a pair of ringside seats.

Pete_London 07.07.06 - 11:57 am


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P_L - I think one will find that non-white muslims trump gays in the leftist pantheon.

They certainly outrank wimmin, look for any serious feminist condemnation of endemic muslim rape in the west.

Given that race is not supposed to exist its reality is given credence by the hierarchy of victimhood. Non-whites always outrank whites, even when we are looking at rape, gay bashing, domestic abuse, child abuse and so on.

One has to respect the likes of Peter Tatchell when he insists on consistency over victimhood. Unfortunately his leftist chums are usually just embarrassed, "Honestly Peter, dont you realise black people cant be homophobic, dont you know anything?"
Lurker 07.07.06 - 7:15 pm #


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Of course, 'Lurker' is indeed correct- muslims do take precedence over gays, whites, and women, but had he simply supplied 'Pete_London' with a deck of Victimhood Poker cards, none of this discussion would have been necessary and there would have been no ambiguity.

A quick look through the Victimhood Poker deck revelas that muslims outrank plain old vanilla gays by 3 whole points in the leftist mind. The only way the left would have damned an attack by muslims on gays is if the gays possessed an additional valuable victim quality. If the gays were Native American gays, for example, the left would have damned the muslims because each Native American gay is worth 22 points whereas a muslim is only worth 12. Now, for argument's sake, let's say black muslims attacked and butchered Native American gays.

In such an instance, the left must clearly support the black muslims, because they are worth an overwhelming 26 victim points a piece!

On a larger scale, one can see the principles of the VP deck played out on the world stage.

Have you ever wondered why the left never screams bloody murder over the way muslims treat women, yet whines about the way Islamic terrorists are acting in Darfur? Ever wonder why the left never lodges the same complaints about the terrorists who massacre innocents in Iraq?

A quick look at the deck and it all makes sense! A woman is worth 8 points and thus muslims outrank women on the victimhood scale. Clearly, complaints about muslim brutality towards women are unwarranted, since muslims are 4 points more valuable than women.

On the other hand, blacks outrank muslims by two and thus a military intervention to save Africans from muslim attacks in Darfur is not another imperilaist Western oil war, but is entirely justified in the leftist mind.

Finally, muslim attacks on innocent muslims in Iraq leaves us with the sum of zero since the muslims cancel out. Thus, the Iraq War has no value in the leftist mind and hence there are no complaints about terrorist attocities in connection with it.

ALL THOSE INTERESTED IN SIGNING UP FOR THE WORLD SERIES OF VICTIMHOOD POKER SHOULD ADD THEIR NAME TO OUR MAILING LIST IN THE SIDEBAR.