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Monday, June 12, 2006

TDL SPORTS: THE WORLD CUP IS HERE!

By: A.C #1

The entire sports world is about to be consumed with the passionate glory and glorious passion of the 245th annual FIFA WORLD CUP. This year's cup will be held in Germany and take place throughout the month of June. The Dick List Sports, in an attempt to educate the feeble American “intellect”, has put together a list of little known facts about the World Cup’s unsurpassed hugeness. To put it into proper perspective this event is bigger than the Super Bowl, World Series, and Bi-annual Abilene, Texas Chili-con-Carnival combined.

  • The World's greatest soccer player is Jose de Sao Luiso Garriagua of Brazil. His brother, Jos-B de Sao Luiso Garriagua, defected to Brazil's arch-nemesis Argentina in the late 90’s. This action is what caused the “Guerra de los Burritos Grandes" between the two countries, a war which claimed many lives and some say has not truly ended.
  • Soccer is very popular in Europe, which is known to have the best leagues in the world today. Europe is also known to have a masturbatory love of lecturing the United States about its obvious racism, especially during last years Hurricane Katrina disaster. Unlike our European betters , America has not risen to an irreproachable level of enlightenment.
  • Mexico has won more World Cups than any other nation with sixteen trophies. In perhaps the most famous moment in World Cup history, the 1976 final between Germany and Mexico was played under protest as the German team complained that the Mexicans' oversized heads gave them an unfair advantage. The 1976 Mexican squad did indeed have extremely large heads even for Mexicans. A record 43 opponents were put down with concussions during the tournament.
  • The best soccer player of all time is Diego Maradona. A harsh critic of American imperialism and buddy of Fidel Castro, Maradona has led rebellions among the disenfranchised churro farmers of South and Latin America.
  • The trophy presented to the winner of the World Cup is called the “Coupe du Merde.” It is in French because during the inaugural game the French team grabbed all the balls and refused to return to pitch until the name of the trophy was changed from the anglo -sounding "World Balls Championship Trophy."
  • English soccer stud David Beckman was recently named "People's Sexiest Man Who No-one in America Knows is Alive."

Now that you are prepared for the peace and tranquility that only international soccer competition can bring. Look for extensive coverage of the World Cup at your sports source TDL.