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Wednesday, April 05, 2006


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NEW YORK (A.P.)- In a move to repair its nonexistant credibility and remedy its low ratings, CBS has decided to make a revolutionary change to it's ailing news division- by replacing it's left-wing biased old-man anchor with a far more appealing left-wing biased blonde.

"We believe Katie Couric, with her cute blonde hair and quirky yet lovable big gums, will make our left-wing bias even less detectable and more palatable to the American public" said Les Moonves, president of CBS.

"Our hiring of Katie represents a revolution for mainstream media news. Instead of trying to pass our propaganda off as 'news' from reputable and serious journalists, we will inject our liberal talking points into the subconscious of the general public through Ms. Couric's adorable personality and million-dollar smile."

"We are extremely happy to have Katie [Couric] aboard here at CBS News," continued Moonves, "because she polls well with women in the 25-55 year old demographic. Second only to Oprah, Katie will be able to control the minds of American women with ease. When Katie says Iraq is a disaster, the female public will finally listen and they'll refuse sex to their husbands until we retreat. We've got Bush on the ropes, and Katie's large gums will deal the coup-de-gras! Besides, its well worth it to pay Katie $40 million to read shit off a teleprompter even if she can't make Bush go away"

In reponse to CBS's bold move, NBC has contacted Lindsey Lohan as a possible replacement for Brian Williams and ABC has fired Bob Woodruff.

"We don't need some wounded gimp right now....Woodruff is dead weight" said an unnamed source at ABC News. "We need more cuddly cuteness to deal in our propaganda. No one wants to see some bloody mess with his brain hanging out of his head and there's something creepy about [Elizabeth] Vargas...she might even be a lesbian; My idea was to hire Dakota Fanning and...get this....a baby fur seal to anchor the evening news!"

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"Good evening, and weclome to ABC World News Tonight. I'm Dakota Fanning...."
"...and I'm Mr. Snuggles, the baby seal..."
"...and tonight, Iraq careens hoplessly towards civil war as the Bush administration admits its made 'thousands of errors' "
"...and on the home front, tornadoes struck the south as my icy habitat contiues to melt. Has global warming has turned the world climate on its head?"

In the meanwhile, CBS was busy trying to clear the overpowering old-man smell out of its news anchor chair before Ms. Couric's arrival. Stay tuned to The Dick List for all the current news reagrding Ms. Couric's groundbreaking move to CBS.


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