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Saturday, January 21, 2006


By: Associate Contributer#1

In a shocking turn of events, dissent within the rank and file of the Democratic Party about the “Nancy problem”, (referring to House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi’s ineffectual stewardship) has led to Ms. Pelosi's unexpected ouster as the top liberal in The House of Representatives. After a closed-door meeting, DNC Chairman Howard Dean threw his support behind a previously little-known junior Representative from Massachusetts' 14th district, Tinky Winky. Mr. Winky now stands in position to be the preeminent voice of the Democrats on Capital Hill.

“Tinky Winky truly speaks for every Democrat, and is the one who will lead us back to control of the House and the ultimate impeachment of Bush and his Haliburton-Rumsfeld corporate cronies.” Howard Dean said at a press conference after the swearing in of Mr. Winky.

While some, like The Wall Street Journal's Op-Ed page, have raised concern regarding Mr. Winky's qualifications, the new House Minority Leader outlined a bold new plan for America in a recent speech to the faculty of Harvard University. Below is an outline of The Tinky Winky Platform for Progressyve Progress:

· Foreign Policy as it pertains to Terrorism: “Eh Oh… Hugs, Love”

· Abortion Rights: “Hee Hee. La la la.”

· Social Security Reform: “Tinky Winky!!!!”

· Global Warming: “I love sunshine. Love love love!”

· AIDS in the Developing World: “Eh Oh.”

The reverberations of the “Hugs and Love” speech shook the Democratic Party to its core.

“Instead of our soldiers carrying arms in Iraq and Afghanistan, they should be using their arms to give hugs and spread love to all of the peaceful Muslims of the world. Represenative Winky has truly crystalized all of the wonderful new ideas the Democratic Party has for America” said a visibly emotional Al Gore as he wiped a tear from his eye.

The New York Times called the “Hugs and Love” policy “Inclusive diplomacy at its best.” NBC anchorman Brian Williams praised Tinky Winky as “…truly the first leader who can make this country more acceptable to our European betters.”

“We’ve already lost the War on Terror. Now its time to give up, apologize, and try to repair our reputation in the International Community. Hopefully the European Union will have mercy and allow us to join.” opined noted military theoretician Al Franken.

After he was assured that the new House Minority Leader was not another drunken hallucination, Ted Kennedy said “We now have a leader that represents the core principals of the Democartic Party. In America, we beleive in certain principles....such as the right of your intern to exert her right to choose to have an abortion after you knock her up. Bush has to learn that although he may be stacking the court with extremists and religious whackos, he's never going to change the bedrock of liberal freedoms. Abortion, like Representative Winky, is here to stay”

While European Union leaders generally avoid endorsing foreign candidates, many have expressed pleasure that Tinky Winky is poised to gain a large amount of power after the Democratic landslide in the upcoming November elections (as guaranteed by the Mainstream Media).

“Though we wish Americans would move beyond picking such virile and brutish leaders, we feel Tinky Winky’s elevation to the head of the Democratic Party is a step in the right direction. Maybe America will one day rise to the level of our own socialist utopia, and we can meet as equals and not as a junior partner on the world stage" said Spain’s P. M. Jose Luis Faggotero.

“I vill make luv to zee purple monkey.” commented French President Jacques Chirac.

Most ordinary Democrats expressed optimisim regarding Tinky Winky’s ability to move their agenda through the House and to connect with American voters. "I'm sure Tinky Winky can teach all of those red-state ogres who don’t live on the upper west side of Manhattan to drink Shiraz and enjoy a good cry" said Todd Finklestein, a local artist and democratic activist.

"With leaders like Tinky Winky clearly expressing our new ideas for the country, I think the Democratic Party is poised to wrest control back from those greedy, racist Republi-cons"