Image Hosted by ImageShack.us

Sunday, January 08, 2006

CINDY SHEEHAN- 2005 INTERNATIONAL DOUCHE OF THE YEAR

#1 SHEEHAN TRIUMPHANT!
January 8, 2006

Image Hosted by ImageShack.us
NEW YORK (AP)- Cindy Sheehan left few doubters as she completed her improbable rise to the Olympian heights of douchedom with an impressive 44-16 demolition of #2 Howard Dean at this year's Summer's Eve Douche Bowl. Sheehan, a newcomer to the ranks of elite douchedom, has cemented her place in history with her cindarella story of international douche triumph.

"I never imagined in a million years that I would end up as the Douche of the Year for 2005" exclaimed Sheehan. "At the end of 2004, I was just a busted attention-starved housewife. Now, I'm getting my ass sucked by David Letterman on national television. I'm the hero of the New York Times and the Europeans love me. I've got my own book, my own fan club, and Dan Rather masturbates to me. I'm a success beyond my wildest dreams- and for that, I've got to thank the man upstairs. Thank you, George Soros".

Sheehan is the first woman to be crowned International Douche Champion. The closest the female gender had previously come to the championship was in 1998 when Janet Reno won the title.

Image Hosted by ImageShack.us

Above: Janet Reno kisses Martin Sheen after her 1998 International Douche Championship (undoctored photo).

In other news, things just keep getting worse for Osama Bin Laden. Having been pushed from the douche title picture for the first time in four years, #3 Bin Laden was unseated as the world's top terror douchebag by #4 Abu Musab Al Zarkawi at the NARAL Abortion Bowl by a single point- 21-20.

"What else can I say?" said a dejected Bin Laden. "I gave it my all and it just wasn't good enough. I guess no one can rest on their laurels for ever. Allah willing, I think 2006 might bring my retirement from the whole terror game. I'm already thinking about a nice place in the sun to live out my days... maybe by the sea in Cuba or something. Why, just the other day I heard a bunch of nice Americans in fatigues are roaming around offering any haji free lodging at a place in the Caribbean called 'Guantanimo Bay'. I'm not a big fan of time shares, but I'm getting older and its something I might need to consider..."

Much like the French army, #5 Jacques Chirac never stood a chance. The Moveon.org Stalin Bowl was a 31-14 tour-de-force for #6 Hillary Rodham Clinton, as she burnt her French counterpart like a Peugot in Clichy-Sous-Bois.

"It was too easy" said Ms. Clinton as she performed a post-game thanksgiving sacrifice of chicken hearts and goat blood to her dark master. "I would have thought Jacques would have been able to put up a better fight than 31-14, but I guess I was wrong. I suppose people have been overestimating the fight in the French for centuries now."

Image Hosted by ImageShack.us
Above: Hillary Clinton contorts from a surge of satanic power following her post-game sacrifice.

"Illaree, she is ze douche su-pear" said Chirac. "I try for many year to be ze great big douche, but Illaree she as ze elp of ze dark pow-airs of ze undairworld. I run from er like she is ze Zher-man or ze Moos-leem. Ah, c'est la vie".

Finally, the hotly contested NABMLA Mollesta Bowl was won 23-18 by #7 George Soros in the final minutes of play. While #8 Mahmoud Ahmadinejad gave Soros all he could handle, the experience of the veteran Soros came through in the end.

Image Hosted by ImageShack.us

Above: George Soros (file photo).

"I've got to hand it to Mahmoud, he gave me all I could handle" said Soros. "He's gonna be a big-time douche one day, maybe even next season. Right now, though, this is my time to shine. No one can find more inventive and original ways to blame America than I...save maybe George Clooney...and as such I truly feel I am entitled to this Mollesta Bowl Championship. I plan to spend the off-season in my mansion plotting new ways to bring down capitalism, so watch out- I'll be back next year!"

So too, no doubt, will be the Douche Championship Series.

FINAL SCORES:

The Summer's Eve DOUCHE BOWL International Championship

#1 Cindy Sheehan - 44
#2 Howard Dean - 16

The NARAL ABORTION BOWL

#4 Abu Musab Al Zarkawi - 21
#3 Osama Bin Laden - 20

The Moveon.org STALIN BOWL

#6 Hillary Clinton - 31
#5 Jacques Chirac - 14

The NAMBLA MOLLESTA BOWL

#7 George Soros - 23
#8 Mahmoud Ahmadinejad - 18


The Lance Armstrong AWARENESS AWARENESS BOWL

#19 Tom Cruise - 23
#20 Jon Stewart - 22

The New York Times JASON BLAIR AFFIRMATIVE ACTION CLASSIC

#17 Sean Penn - 22
Mulla Omar - 8

The Columbia University DIVERSITY DOUBLESPEAK BOWL

#25 Steven Speilberg - 21
#14 Kim Jong Il - 12

The National Organization of Women BUTCH BOWL

Rosie O'Donnel - 24
#15 Barbara Streisand - 10

The Dik-fil-a TRANSGENDER BOWL

#18 Bill Clinton - 16
Jesse Jackson - 12

The European Commission APPEASEMENT BOWL

#11 Maureen Dowd - 50
Sami Al Arian - 6

The CBS/BBC BIAS BOWL

#13 Al Franken - 20
#12 Bill Mahr - 12

The DNC WELFARE BOWL

#16 Ray Nagin - 16
#10 Nancy Pelosi - 13

The Barry Bonds BALCO BOWL

Terell Owens - 16
Rafael Palmiero- 9

The French Tourism Board SURRENDER BOWL

Jose Luis Zapatero - 19
#21 Ayman Al Zwahiri - 11

The Diamond Walnuts SACK O' NUTS BOWL

Michael Moore - 31
Ted Kennedy - 21

The Leonardo DiCaprio CLIMATE CHANGE BOWL

Gerhard Schroeder - 23
Ellen Degeneres - 7

The Dicklist.blogspot.com DICK BOWL

Tim Robbins - 24
Katie Couric - 16

The National Islamic Council BLOW YOURSELF UP BOWL

Rev. Al Sharpton - 12
Oliver Stone - 10

The Howard Dean BULLSHIT BOWL

#23 George Clooney - 14
Saddam Hussein - 9

The Village Voice DIRT ROAD BOWL

Dominique DeVillepin - 26
Sir Elton John - 20

The Jim McGreevy CORRUPT FAGGOT BOWL

#22 John Kerry - 30
#24 George Galloway - 18

The Hilton CHLAMYDIA BOWL

Paris Hilton - 72
Fidel Castro - 14






Categories: , , , , , , , , , , , ,