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Thursday, January 19, 2006

45. THE GAY SONG ON YOUR IPOD

There’s no use in denying it- no matter how cool and ‘with it’ you are, you have one or two gay songs on your Ipod.

Go on, admit it.

By ‘gay’, I don’t mean Freddy Mercury ass-sex ‘gay’ per se. Rather, a ‘gay’ song is one that is embarrassingly bad and fruity but you secretly like it. It’s the song that you turn up while alone your car but only after you roll up the windows; it’s the song that you once recorded onto a tape off the radio because you were too embarrassed to buy the CD.

The gay song has been hiding out amongst your darkest secrets for years, right next to your teenage escapade with a dirty Russian hooker and your three-day college freebase binge.

While its unlikely that your exploits in prostitution or hardcore drug use will ever make their way out of the well-guarded Area 51 in the back of your mind, the gay song has been given a convenient way to escape and evade your mental Men in Black- courtesy of the Ipod, its shuffle function, and P2P networking.

All of a sudden, the once incarcerated inmates of Gaytonamo Bay have been Gettin’Jiggy With It when you least expect them to (especially if you have a means by which you can play your Ipod in public), leaving you to race for the forward button before it’s too late.

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And of course, inevitably, you get busted…

“Was that just Rock Your Body by Justin Timberlake???”

“Ummm….er….yeah...I think…..how the hell did that get on there? I must of…er….downloaded it by mistake…..”

“Hah hah hah! Yeah right you fucking fag!”

Of course no one believes you. Why should they? They have Blondie’s Heart of Glass on their own Ipod. Since you got caught, however, the rules of male etiquette dictate that your boys have the solemn obligation to bust on you until its no longer funny. Brace yourself, this could take years….


WHAT IS THE GAY SONG? WHERE DID IT COME FROM?

As mentioned above, the gay song on your Ipod is a song that is really embarrassing or seriously calls your heterosexuality into question but you can’t help liking it. You generally don’t own the album from which the gay song spawned (because you didn’t want anyone to know you like it), but you downloaded the gay song from Limewire when you were trying to fill your Ipod’s 100,000,000 song capacity. It seemed like a good idea at the time…

The gay song always manages to pop up in the worst situation, such as in your car when you and your boys are going out on a Saturday night. It serves you right, however, because you were too lazy to tuck the gay song safely away on an obscure playlist.

Idiot.


CHEEZY VERSUS GAY

There has always been a large amount of confusion regarding the delineation between the ‘cheezy’ song and the ‘gay’ song. This is because at one time most cheezy songs were gay themselves. A cheezy song is simply a gay song which, due to its age and anachronistic sound, has become cool again in a funny sort of way.

The phenomenon of cheezy songs can best be illustrated by the many of songs from the 1980’s. Take, for example, When I See You Smile by Winger.

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When it first came out, When I see You Smile was considered cool. The hair band rock ballad ruled the mid-to-late ‘80s, and When I See You Smile was an acceptable, if not stand-out, form of the genre.

By the first half of the ‘90s, however, admitting you liked Winger would get you laughed at and, at worst, beat up.

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When I See You Smile had crossed the river Styx of gayness and traveled deep into the dark underworld of faggotry, along with everything by Duran Duran, Toto, The Eurythmics, Tears for Fears, and the Scorpions.

It’s hard to pinpoint exactly when When I See You Smile was elevated from the depths of utter gayness into glorious and ethereal cheezyness, but most experts agree it was sometime in the last two to five years. It is now okay to admit you like When I see You Smile because Winger is safely and securely a cheezy ‘80s (and thus not gay) group.

And now here’s the rub: It is gay to make fun of people who like cheezy music. Thus, if your boy has Def Leppard’s Armageddon It on his Ipod and you rag on him for it, YOU are the gay one. Only a tool with no sense of humor can’t appreciate cheezy music.

This is not to say, however, that age makes all gay songs into cheezy ones. Some songs are irreparably gay and will never leave the gay realm. Take anything by Vanilla Ice for example.

Also, gayness versus cheezyness is largely a function of the gender of the listener. For example, Madonna’s Like a Virgin is cheezy on your girlfriend’s Ipod but GAY AS HELL on your brother’s.


GAY OR BUZZ-KILL?

There is a second major type of song on your Ipod that have oft been confused with gay songs. These songs are called ‘buzz-kill’ songs. A buzz-kill is a song, usually from a much older age, which you enjoy but which you really can’t listen to when you’re hanging out with your friends. A buzz-kill is not gay and probably never was, but it’s so old and/or slow that you really couldn’t seriously listen to it amongst others unless you’re at a wedding reception or a poker night with a big, fat cigar and a glass of scotch.

Common buzz-kills include most songs from Frank Sinatra, Dean Martin, Tony Bennett, Bobby Darin, etc. The one major exception is Sinatra’s version of the Theme from New York, New York, which is perfectly acceptable in the car with your friends going to or coming from a Yankee baseball game.

Like cheezy songs, anyone who rags on buzz-kill songs shows a shocking lack of class and musical knowledge, and thus can be considered gay.


SONGS THAT ARE GAY

After spending all this time telling you what isn’t gay, its now time to let you know what is.

A gay song generally has a certain sound to it- it is usually poppy and contrived and designed purely to cash in on a short-lived musical trend. Gayness, however, does not rely on sound and pop-ness alone. In large part, gay songs get that way because lots of really lame people jump on their bandwagon.

Take, for example, The Macarena. While this song was not inherently gay, it was rocketed into super gay-dom in the late ‘90s by all the tools who decided that The Macarena (& accompanying dance) would be a good thing to do at every single football and baseball stadium in the nation. Pretty soon, it seemed like a good thing to take a shotgun to anyone you saw doing that faggy dance. Needless to say, there should be no straight man in the entire world that has The Macarena on their Ipod. The same holds true for Who Let the Dogs Out?.

Gayness can also be imparted by Madison Avenue. For example, if your song makes it to a T.G.I. Friday’s or Applebee’s commercial, it’s a good bet your song is gayer than Tom Cruise’s gerbil. Such songs include What I Like About You and Walking on Sunshine. If you have either of these songs on your Ipod, kill yourself.

Finally, gayness can, of course, come from the entire package of gay factors. Some groups manage to hit the gay trifecta right off the bat. Take The Black Eyed Peas for example. This group clearly displays contrived pop-sound gayness, combined with the lame-assed band wagon fan gayness, tied up with a neat little bow of advertising exposure gayness.

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Above: Fergie of the Black Eyed Peas explodes in a golden shower of joy as her bandmates hit the yellow note during a recent concert.

As a matter of fact, The Black Eyed Peas are easily the gayest active group in the world today; only Coldplay can give them a serious run for their money.

So, in summation, a gay song usually exhibits one or more of the following characteristics: 1) Faggy sound; 2) Trendyness/Overexposure; 3) Commercial Exploitation.

Songs can also be gay when they doen’t exhibit any of the above characteristics if they are actually, in word, deed, or subject matter, gay. In other words, if a song is written about homosexuality or its singer is a fag (or a bunch of fags), then a song can be gay even if it does not feature a faggy sound, trendyness, or commercial exploitation. Thus, the music of Queen is gay even though some of it doesn’t act the part.

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Above: Yes, It's true- Fergie pissed herself on stage. This photo is undoctored.

TOP FIFTEEN GAYEST SONGS ON YOUR IPOD
(you are a major league fag if you have any of these)

Mmm-bop by Hanson
In the Navy by The Village People
I’m Too Sexy by Right Said Fred
Bye, Bye, Bye by *NSYNC
Every Woman by Whitney Houston
Wannabe by The Spice Girls
I Don’t Want to Wait [Dawson’s Creek Theme] by Paula Cole
Dancing Queen by Abba
Rock Lobster by The B-52s
Hey Mama by The Black Eyed Peas
With You by Jessica Simpson
Lovefool [Romeo & Julliet Theme] by The Cardigans
Karma Chameleon by Culture Club
Candle in the Wind by Elton John
It’s Raining Men by The Weather Girls


Speaking of gayness, go check out The Angry Italian's diatribe on the "hott" look

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