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Saturday, December 31, 2005

Jacques Chirac on the Casting Couch

By: Number 2


This is Fucking ridiculous.
http://www.newsmax.com/archives/ic/2005/12/18/200531.shtml

Jacques Chirac really has his priorities in order. He actually asked Ron Howard to cast his daughter's friend as one of the leads in The DaVinci Code, pushed for Jean Reno to get a raise for the film and said he'd get them clearance to film in the Louvre if Howard played ball. He's a world leader for Fuck's sake and he acts like he's trying to get little Sally the lead in Oklahoma!. Maybe if this douche spent more time running his damn country and less time trading national treasures for favors they wouldn't be on the verge of economic ruin.

Friday, December 30, 2005

"The Book of Daniel"; Fuck you NBC.

Attention TDL readers! Check out the link below. Its about NBC's new show The Book of Daniel, which features a protestant priest who regularly converses with an actor portreying a hip, new-wave Jesus. Oh, I almost forgot to mention, the priest has a homosexual son and a drug dealer as a daughter.

http://www.nbc.com/The_Book_Of_Daniel/

Here's what I wrote to NBC on behalf of TDL:

Why don't you motherfuckers ever make a show about a Rabbi with gay criminal kids or a Muslim Imam who's son is a terrorist and who regularly shoots the breeze with Muhammed? How about this- an NAACP reperesentative that has a son in the KKK and regularly plays poker with the ghost of Rosa Parks? You're all a bunch of pussy, anti-Christian hypocrites. Your show and your whole network needs to be boycotted.

PS- No, Im not some bible belt baptist who goes to church every few hours. I'm not really that good of a Christian at all. What I am, though, is very sick of leftist assholes attacking Christianity for no good reason.I will never watch NBC or any of its related networks again.

Tell these pricks how you feel. Stand up for yourselves!
http://www.nbc.com/Footer/Contact_Us/
or
nbcshows@nbcuni.com

Wednesday, December 28, 2005

TDL NEWS Interview: STEVEN SPIELBERG

Readers: Please help us pick the Post of the Year . Also, don't forget to cast your bowl votes in the sidebar!

By Associate Contributer #1

We here at The Dick List recently attended a special screening of Director Steven Spielberg’s new film “Munich.” The film is about the purposeless slaughter of eleven Israeli athletes at the 1972 Olympics in Munich, Germany. The movie sets out to be fair in its portrayal of the Palestinian terrorists who committed the attack, while showing the Mossad agents who were dispatched to seek justice as conflicted about their assignment. Over the years Steven Spielberg has astonished audiences with great tales of fantasy. “Munich” seems ready to join with his other films as a truly inventive piece of Modern filmmaking. After the screening I had a chance to sit down with the Director for a wide-ranging discussion about love, life and what the future holds for Americas greatest Director.
Please enjoy the TDL NEWS interview.




pg.1



pg.2

pg.3




(Authors note: It's the end of the year and that means the various Dick List department heads have convened to review our work over the past twelve months. I have to provide some space for a word from The Dick List Office of Diversity, which is headed by none other than our own former Paleo-Climatologist friend, Number 2.)



Le Dick List Offisay D’Diversitay

We apologize to all groups offended by Associate Contributor #1’s intolerance toward all non-Adriana Lima females in his posts over the past year. He has been severely sanctioned for his blatant racism, sexism, and uninclusive behavior towards those who are between genders such as Transsexuals/Transvestites. We sent him an angry letter and demanded he provide reparations by including a tranny picture in his next post. After he showed up our Paterson, NJ headquarters with a shotgun we dialogued and decided a little brown sugar would be equally acceptable.

Tuesday, December 27, 2005

BOWL SEASON- THIS WEEK'S MATCHUPS

Readers: Please help us pick the Post of the Year . Also, don't forget to cast your bowl votes in the sidebar!

MOORE DOWNS KENNEDY; SHARPTON SQUEAKS BY STONE; HILTON DEMOLISHES CASTRO
December 27, 2005

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Above: Paris Hilton dominated the Chlamydia Bowl last Tuesday

NEW YORK (AP)- It was a week of high drama for douchebags all over the world as the first week of douche bowls finally drew to a close.

In what was perhaps the most interesting matchup, 2-Time douchebag champion Michael Moore held off a furious challenge from Massachusetts Senator Ted Kennedy to take home the Sack O' Nuts Bowl trophy before a sellout crowd last Tuesday. While many Moore supporters were unenthusiastic about the overweight filmmaker's bid to such a low ranking contest, Moore seemed pleased with the results.

"I've been inactive nearly the whole year" said Moore. " I feel fortunate to have had the opportunity to reassert my douchyness against such a fine opponent as Mr. Kennedy. I would like to thank the readers of The Dick List for supporting my Sack O' Nuts championship."

Not all of the bowls were high scoring affairs. At the National Islamic Council Blow Yourself Up Bowl, the Reverend Al Sharpton barely defeated filmmaker Oliver Stone by the score of 12-10.

"This was a great win for African-Americans, the Race Baiter Conference, and most importantly myself" crowed the Reverend as he jubilantly celebrated his last-minute victory. "This just goes to show you that the white devil doesn't always win, especially where diversity is valued the most- like on The Dick List. Thank you, crackers!"

In other bowl news, hotel heiress Paris Hilton absolutely demolished Cuban dictator Fidel Castro at the Chlamydia Bowl by the score of 72-14. Hilton's margin of victory- 58 points- is the largest ever recorded at any douche bowl game. "I've really made great progress this year" said Hilton as she left the field. "To be more despised than a brutal murdering dictator in such a convincing fashion really says something about me and the image I've worked so hard to create. Of course, my goal is to eventually win an International Championship so I'm definitely pleased with what I've been able to accomplish in 2005".

Hilton then proceeded to the locker room where she engaged in a gang-bang with two spoiled Greek boys, a donkey, a midget, and former New York Knick Patrick Ewing.

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Above: Patrick Ewing (File Photo)

At the Climate Change Bowl, German ex-premier Gerhard Schroeder took home the hardware with a convincing 23-7 win over annoying lesbo Ellen Degeneres. Schroeder, who's management of Germany was perhaps only surpassed by Adolph Hitler, captured his third bowl title in as many years. This may have been Schroeder's last day in the sun, however, as the worn out socialist was voted out of office this fall. Schroeder will now join the ranks of the unemployed along with approximately 58% of the entire German population.

Finally, actor Tim Robbins defeated t.v. personality Katie Couric at the Dick Bowl, #23 George Clooney knocked off Saddam Hussein at the Bullshit Bowl, French minister and former U.N. ambassador Dominique DeVillepin knocked off Elton John at the Dirt Road Bowl, and #22 John Kerry beat #24 George Galloway at the Corrupt Fag Bowl.

GAMES OF THE WEEK:

TLA- This week, look to the Bias Bowl as our 5-star matchup. Both Bill Mahr and Al Franken are annoying and loathsome characters, evenly matched in nearly every way. This one's too close to call!

AC#1- We've got another great matchup with Bill Clinton taking on Jesse Jackson at the Transgender Bowl. Never mind Clinton's #18 ranking; Jesse Jackson is more than a match for nearly any douche in the country.

Number 2- I'm sorry, guys, I'm gonna have to pick the Welfare Bowl as my favorite matchup. Nancy Pelosi is not that high profile of a douche and Ray Nagin really screwed up New Orleans. These two seem to balance well and we might even be looking at an upset!


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Above: The French Tourism Board Surrender Bowl is up for grabs this week (File Photo)

THIS WEEK'S MATCHUPS
The French Tourism Board SURRENDER BOWL
Dec. 31, 2005

#21 Ayman Al Zwahiri v. Jose Luis Zapatero


VEGAS LINE: Al Zwahiri (pick) Zapatero

The Barry Bonds BALCO BOWL
Dec. 31, 2005

Terrell Owens v. Rafael Palmiero

Vegas Line: OWENS -2 1/2 Palmiero

The DNC WELFARE BOWL
Dec. 30, 2005

#10 Nancy Pelosi v. #16 Ray Nagin

Vegas Line: Pelosi +3 1/2 NAGIN

The European Commission APPEASEMENT BOWL
Dec. 30, 2005

Sami Al Arian v. #11 Maureen Dowd

Vegas Line: Al Arian +19 1/2 DOWD

The CBS/BBC BIAS BOWL
Dec. 29, 2005

#12 Bill Mahr v. #13 Al Franken

Vegas Line: Mahr (pick) Franken

The Dik-Fil-A TRANSGENDER BOWL
Dec. 28, 2005

Jesse Jackson v. #18 Bill Clinton

Vegas Line: Jackson +1/2 CLINTON

The National Organization Of Women BUTCH BOWL
Dec. 28, 2005

#15 Barbara Streisand v. Rosie O' Donnel

Vegas Line: STREISAND - 9 1/2 O'Donnel

The Columbia University DIVERSITY DOUBLESPEAK BOWL
Dec. 27, 2005

#14 Kim Jong Il v. #25 Steven Speilberg

Vegas Line: KIM -7 1/2 Speilberg

The New York Times JASON BLAIR AFFIRMATIVE ACTION CLASSIC
Dec. 26, 2005

#17 Sean Penn v. Mullah Omar

Vegas Line: PENN -7 1/2 Omar

The Lance Armstrong AWARENESS AWARENESS BOWL
Dec. 25, 2005

#20 Jon Stewart v. #19 Tom Cruise

Vegas Line: Stewart +1/2 CRUISE


LAST WEEK'S FINAL SCORES:

The Diamond Walnuts SACK O' NUTS BOWL

Michael Moore - 31
Ted Kennedy - 21

The Leonardo DiCaprio CLIMATE CHANGE BOWL

Gerhard Schroeder - 23
Ellen Degeneres - 7

The Dicklist.blogspot.com DICK BOWL

Tim Robbins - 24
Katie Couric - 16

The National Islamic Council BLOW YOURSELF UP BOWL

Rev. Al Sharpton - 12
Oliver Stone - 10

The Howard Dean BULLSHIT BOWL

#23 George Clooney - 14
Saddam Hussein - 9

The Village Voice DIRT ROAD BOWL

Dominique DeVillepin - 26
Sir Elton John - 20

The Jim McGreevy CORRUPT FAGGOT BOWL

#22 John Kerry - 30
#24 George Galloway - 18

The Hilton CHLAMYDIA BOWL

Paris Hilton - 72
Fidel Castro - 14


Is Tom Cruise gay? Angry Italian has the inside scoop!

Missed the Douchebag Bowl season? Catch up below (don't miss the summary articles at the bottom of the post)!
Bowl Season Week 6/ Final Poll
Bowl Season Week 5
Bowl Season Week 4
Bowl Season Week 3
Bowl Season Week 2
It's Dick List Douche Bowl Season!

Next week we vote for the DOUCHEBAG INTERNATIONAL CHAMPION of 2005!

Monday, December 26, 2005

The Dick List Post of the Year- 2005

Readers- don't forget to vote in the sidebar for your bowl picks. Its up to you to choose the biggest douche of the year!

Holiday Greetings!

I hope all of you have had an inclusive and tolerant holiday; we know we have! As a matter of fact, we here at TDL have just begun to shake off the hangover from our rip-roaring annual office Kwanzaa party. As we cleaned the fermented coconut milk from our drinking gourds, we reflected on a long and satsifying year of pissing off just about every leftist in the blogosphere.

We talked of good posts and bad, and we each began to rehash our favorite Dick List memories from 2005. The discussion grew lively and Associate Contributor #1 and I nearly came to blows over which post we thought was the best. Fortunately our attention was quickly diverted when glassy-eyed Number 2 vomited on our photocopy machine and then passed out in the hallway.

Submitted for your approval below are a selection of posts from our archives. Being true believers in democracy, we have decided to put the title of "Post of the Year" to a vote- It's now up to you, our valued readers, to decide which was the best post of 2005!

Cartoons With an Agenda
George Soros
Terrorist Torture
Dove's Real Beauty
P.C. Holiday Decorations
Beautiful People.net







Which is the Post of the Year?
Cartoons With an Agenda
George Soros
Terrorist Torture
Dove's Real Beauty
P.C. Holiday Decorations
Beautiful People.net




Free polls from Pollhost.com


If you've got a few spare minutes to enrich your diversity, why not go visit our bro Kender?

Wednesday, December 21, 2005

43. "MERRY HOLIDAY" from the ACLU

DON'T FORGET TO SEE THE NEW HOLIDAY CLAUS EPIC FOR 2006!

Once upon a time on a winter's evening fair,
appeared a fine figure as quick as a hare

Arriving on a sleigh on a brisk wind so cool,
the figure got out and walked towards your kid's school....

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Teacher: Okay kids, settle down and finish your milk. Today we a very special holiday treat for you...

Kids: Yaaaaaaayyyyyyyyyy!

Teacher: We're going to have an extra special visitor who wears a red suit and comes from a far away and cold land, so I want you kids to be super nice.....

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Timmy: Is it....is it....SANTA CLAUS???

Luis: IT MUST BE SANTA!!!!

Nicole: Yay! SANTA!!!! I want a pony!

Billy: I'm gonna leave him cookies!!!

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Christine: Did he bring his waynedeers?

Kids: Yaaaaaayyyyy SANTA!

[visitor walks into the room]

Timmy: wait....thats not.....

Teacher: Now I want you kids to give an extra special kindergarten welcome to our new friend from the ACLU, HOLIDAY CLAUS!

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[kids are silent]

HOLIDAY CLAUS: GO GO GO, HAPPY HOLIDAYS! Hello children!!! I hope everyone is having an extra tolerant and inclusive holiday season.....

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Luis: Aren't you supposed to say "Ho Ho Ho"?

HOLIDAY CLAUS: Now then, little boy, "Ho" is a word that might be construed as a derogatory epithet towards women. "Go" is a positive and empowering word which encourages participation, diversity, and tolerance!

Christine: Why do you look like that?

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Johnny: You don't look like santa....

Timmy: He's a girl.....

HOLIDAY CLAUS: Precisely, little boy! In fact, I am the first female Alaskan Eskimo/Inuit/Native American to be recognized as a holiday icon! I was created by the wonderful people down at the American Civil Liberties Union to be the most inclusive and inoffensive holiday symbol ever, and to make sure no one is ever offended by others celebrating their faith.

Billy: BUT I WANT SANTA!

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HOLIDAY CLAUS: Now now, little boy, using the "S" word here in this classroom is intolerable because that would violate the constitutional separation between church and state. You see, if we don't respect the separation between church and state, people like George W. Bush and Bill O'Reilly will break in to your home late at night, kill your parents, and baptize you while you sleep! How would you like that, to wake up with water all over your head and a George W. Bush singing Christian hymns next to the lifeless bodies of your mommy and daddy???

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Billy [eyes welling up with tears]: I want my mommy!!!

Christine: Can we sing Cwistmas cawols?

Luis: I like Rudolph the Red Nosed Rein...

HOLIDAY CLAUS: CHILDREN! The "C" word is STRICTLY FORBIDDEN from this classroom! Why, what has your teacher been teaching you???

Teacher: What's the big deal? Christmas is only ten da...

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HOLIDAY CLAUS: ENOUGH! I will not tolerate that word spoken here in this classroom!!! What are you trying to do, get this kids convicted of THOUGHTCRIMES?

Nicole: Th--thawtcwimes???

HOLIDAY CLAUS: Yes, little girl, thoughtcrimes.

Jimmy: What's a taughtcrime?

Luis: I want to go home!

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HOLIDAY CLAUS: Well, children, its actually quite simple. A thoughtcrime occurs when: 1) A person with white colored skin 2) who is Christian 3) believes in, thinks of, or speaks of ideas or concepts which might be construed by any non-white skinned or non-Christian person as offensive in any way, shape, or form.

Jimmy: I like Chips Ahoy. Is that a thoughtcwime?

HOLIDAY CLAUS: Not unless eating cookies offends a non-Christian or someone with skin that is not white.....

Luis: I have white colored skin and I love Santa. Am I guilty?

HOLIDAY CLAUS: Are you Christian?

Luis: Yes.

HOLIDAY CLAUS: Then you are guilty.

Luis: Aye, dios mio!

HOLIDAY CLAUS: OH...was that Spanish I did hear? Why, then you are not guilty after all! I forgot to mention: Spanish speakers and thier children cannot commit thoughtcrimes.

Luis: Yay! I'm gonna call my daddy in Madrid and tell him how good I am!

HOLIDAY CLAUS: Oh....did you say Madrid as in Spain? Forget it, you're guilty.

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Luis [crying]: I don't like Holiday Claus! I want to go home!

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Christine: Can we pet your waynedeers?

Tommy: Yeah, I wanna see your sleigh!

HOLIDAY CLAUS: Okay, kids, follow me... [walks outside to street in front of the school; kids follow]

Billy: Is that your sleigh???

Christine: Where are your waynedeers?

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HOLIDAY CLAUS: Children! I'm disappointed in you! Don't you know that its wrong to capture innocent anmials and make them do your bidding? Hasn't PETA visited you yet?

Tommy: Who's Peter?

HOLIDAY CLAUS: Silly children! My sleigh is climate change resistant and earth friendly! Its made of a lightweight polystyrene and latex epoxy resin composed entirely of recyled 2 liter Coca-Cola bottles and used condoms. It's powered by a team of four ultra-efficient hybrid cars, each which cost more than $107,000. On a good day, I can crank that baby up to almost 25 miles per hour!

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Christine [sobbing]: BUT I WIKE WAYNEDEER...

HOLIDAY CLAUS: Now then, little one, don't cry! Would a nice holiday gift make you cheer up?

Kids: Yaaaaaaayyyyy! CHRISTMAS PRESENTS!

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HOLIDAY CLAUS: CHILDREN! I warned you about using the "C" word. It is simply intolerable in today's day and age...

Billy: why?

HOLIDAY CLAUS: Why? Because whoever uses the "C" word is an un-American traitor to our country. You see, kids, a long time ago the founders of our country wrote a document called The Constitution. In The Constitution, it was written that every American citizen has the absolute right to never be offended.

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Teacher: I don't remember that being in the Constitution! Exactly where are you getting that from?

HOLIDAY CLAUS: Oh sure, it's in there- in the 34th Amendment right next to the right to kill fetuses.

Teacher: Wait a minute, there aren't 34 amendements......

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HOLIDAY CLAUS: Sure there are. But I digress. Using the "C" word or celebrating Christian holidays on public property also violates the constitutional separation between church and state! It's a slippery slope and we must be ever vigiliant! You see, first they'll be putting "C" trees in front of the courthouse and before you know it they will throw out the law books and use Jesus law instead. In the end, we'll all be forced to pay tithes to the Pope and atheists will be burnt at the stake. So you see, we have to stop the pernicious merger of church and state right where it starts- on decorated pine trees and in cheap plastic light-up nativity scenes at the local firehouse!

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Nicole: [tugging on Holiday Claus' shirt] H-Holiday Claus.....w-why do you say that Cwismas is so o-opensive?

HOLIDAY CLAUS: "C" is offensive to anyone who isn't Christian. Think of your little Jewish friend, Josh. Do you really want to make him feel left out during the holiday season? What are you, some sort of little Eichmann or something?

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Nicole [begins crying]: n-no...

HOLIDAY CLAUS: Now Joshua, don't you feel included now that no one can celebrate "C" any longer?

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Josh: No, not weally. Do you think Batman could beat Superman in a fight?

HOLIDAY CLAUS: My, the violence we teach our youth! Don't you know that fighting is never the answer?

Billy: Holiday Claus, you said we could have presents.....

HOLIDAY CLAUS: Ah, yes, I almost forgot...... who wants PRESENTS???

Kids: MEEEEEEEEEEEE!

Timmy: I want a battle bot 2000!

Jimmy: I want an Xbox!

HOLIDAY CLAUS: Great! How about......you! You there- take this wonderful gift...

Jimmy [glumly]: Oh.......its a....................book.

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HOLIDAY CLAUS: Why, its not just a book! Its a limited edition of Susan Sontag's final tome on Gender Economics as Applied to African Americans Between the Ages of 18 and 34! Isn't that exciting?!?

Jimmy: ummm............ thanks.......I guess.......

HOLIDAY CLAUS: And this for you, little girl! It's by the French postmodern deconstructionist Jacques Derrida!
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Christine [tears welling up]: But I wanted a pony....

Luis: Holiday Claus, can I have one of those things you have stuck to your chest?

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HOLIDAY CLAUS: Oh, you mean these? Silly boy, they're awareness ribbons! Red is for AIDS, yellow is for cancer, pink is for breast cancer, multi-culored is for autism, blue is for blue balls and lavender is a catch-all ribbon for all of the maladies I've forgotten to be aware of.

Luis: What's khaki for?

HOLIDAY CLAUS: My my, I seem to have forgotten. Now then, what gift would you like? How about this free copy of Al Franken's Lies and the Lying Liars that Tell Them?
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Luis: He looks like a doody head...

HOLIDAY CLAUS: Nonsense, Al Franken is a great American hero! Fine, take this Lance Armstrong "Livestrong" bracelet. At least now you'll be aware. Okay now, children, gather 'round for Holiday Claus must leave you all very soon.
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Kids: YAAAAAAAAYYYYYYYYY!!!!!

HOLIDAY CLAUS: But before I depart, the ACLU mandates that we all gather around the Holiday Tree and sing a Holiday Carole!

Nicole: Can we sing Come All ye Faithful???

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HOLIDAY CLAUS: [very angry] CERTAINLY NOT! One more outburst like that and ill have to call the lawyers to this school! Okay kids, I'm through with your intolerant backwards red-state antics! No more nonsense. Hold hands and stand in a circle around the Holiday Tree right this instant! [the frightened kids comply] Good. Now repeat after me: WE SHALL O-VER-CO-O-OME....WE SHALL O-VER-CO-O-OME.....

Kids [some crying]: WE SHALL O-VER-CO-O-OME...WE SHALL O-VER-CO-OME....

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HOLIDAY CLAUS: Wonderful! [hops into her earth-friendly sleigh] Remember, kids, the ACLU cares about you. We are here to fight for tolerance and religious diversity! We only want to protect you from biased right-wing religious whackos and those who would lead you into thoughtcrime temptation- like the authors of The Dick List. Remember, kids, that unless you want to live in a brutal theocracy, you must fight to make sure there are no decorated trees on public land! Please help us in our fight to eradicate thoughtcrime and offensiveness forever! Farewell children! A tolerant and inclusive holiday to all, and to all a good night! GO GO GO! [Holiday Claus speeds off towards the next elementry school].

And off went the bitch out into the cold,
and her hybrid cars' wheels started to roll.

And all of the childern began to be happy,
'cause they knew that Christmas no longer'd be crappy.

And back in the school the ACLU was gone,
and they celebrated Christmas like they had all along!

MERRY HOLIDAY AND AN EMPOWERING NEW YEAR FROM YOUR FREINDS AT THE DICK LIST AND THE ACLU!
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For less sophomoric and better written thoughtcrime, please visit Rottweiler Puppy

For thoughtcrime straight from the heart of Brooklyn, N.Y., visit The Angry Italian

For other empowering links, please check the sidebar.

- By The List Administrator

Categories: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,


Sunday, December 18, 2005

BOWL SEASON- FINAL POLL

DON'T FORGET TO MAKE YOUR VOTE COUNT! VOTE FOR YOUR DOUCHE BOWL PICKS IN THE SIDEBAR....HELP US CHOOSE THE BIGGEST DOUCHE OF 2005!


THE 2005 DICK LIST/USA TODAY TOP 25 FINAL DOUCHEBAG POLL
-----------------------------pts.-(last wk.)
1. CINDY SHEEHAN (40)-----------1,449----(1)
2. HOWARD DEAN (15)-------------1,390----(3)
3. OSAMA BIN LADEN (8)----------1,387----(2)
4. ABU MUSAB AL ZARKAWI---------1,294----(4)
5. JACQUES CHIRAC---------------1,263----(4)
6. HILLARY RODHAM CLINTON-------1,231----(5)
7. GEORGE SOROS-----------------1,162----(8)
8. MAHMOUD AHMADINEJAD----------1,105----(10)
9. HUGO CHAVEZ--------------------977----(7)
10. NANCY PELOSI------------------912----(9)
11. MAUREEN DOWD------------------865----(11)
12. BILL MAHR---------------------799----(12)
13. AL FRANKEN--------------------701----(16)
14. KIM JONG IL-------------------687----(13)
15. BARBARA STREISAND-------------543----(15)
16. RAY NAGIN---------------------524----(14)
17. SEAN PENN---------------------481----(17)
18. BILL CLINTON------------------455----(18)
19. TOM CRUISE--------------------411----(19)
20. JON STEWART-------------------396----(21)
21. AYMAN AL ZWAHIRI--------------223----(22)
22. JOHN KERRY--------------------194----(20)
23. GEORGE CLOONEY----------------103----(24)
24. GEORGE GALLOWAY----------------86----(NR)
25. STEVEN SPIELBERG---------------77----(NR)

OTHERS RECEIVING VOTES: DOMINIQUE DE VILLEPIN (58), JESSE JACKSON (51), OLIVER STONE (46), TIM ROBBINS (32), KATIE COURIC (30), TED KENNEDY (26), JOHN MURTHA (20), "RED" KEN LIVINGSTON (19), JOSE LUIS ZAPATERO (17), MICHAEL MOORE (11), KOFI ANNAN (8), HAROLD PINTER (3), PARIS HILTON (1).

DROPPED FROM RANKINGS: TIM ROBBINS (22), HAROLD PINTER (25).

BOWL MATCHUPS

MAJOR DCS BOWLS

The Summer's Eve DOUCHE BOWL International Championship Game
Jan 3, 2006

#1 Sheehan v. #2 Dean

VEGAS LINE: SHEEHAN -2 1/2 Dean

The NARAL ABORTION BOWL
Jan 1, 2006

#3 Osama Bin Laden v. #4 Abu Musab Al Zarkawi

VEGAS LINE: BIN LADEN -6 1/2 Al Zarkawi


The Moveon.org STALIN BOWL
Jan 1, 2006

#5 Jacques Chirac v. #6 Hillary Rodham Clinton

VEGAS LINE: Chirac (pick) H. Clinton

The NAMBLA MOLLESTA BOWL
Jan 1, 2006

#7 George Soros v. #8 Mahmoud Ahmadinejad

VEGAS LINE: Soros +1/2 AHMADINEJAD


MINOR BOWLS

The French Tourism Board SURRENDER BOWL
Dec. 31, 2005

Terrorist #1 v. Eurofag #1
#21 Ayman Al Zwahiri v. #24 George Galloway

VEGAS LINE: Al Zwahiri + 1 1/2 GALLOWAY

The Barry Bonds BALCO BOWL
Dec. 31, 2005

Dick Athlete #1 v. Dick Athlete #2
Terrell Owens v. Rafael Palmiero

Vegas Line: OWENS -61/2 Palmiero

The DNC WELFARE BOWL
Dec. 30, 2005

Scumbag Politician #1 v. Scumbag Politician #2
#10 Nancy Pelosi v. #16 Ray Nagin

Vegas Line: Pelosi +6 1/2 NAGIN

The European Commission APPEASEMENT BOWL
Dec. 30, 2005

Terrorist #2 v. Liberal Talking Head #1
Sami Al Arian v. #11 Maureen Dowd

Vegas Line: Al Arian +14 1/2 DOWD

The CBS/BBC BIAS BOWL
Dec. 29, 2005

Liberal Talking Head #2 v. Liberal Talking Head #3
#12 Bill Mahr v. #13 Al Franken

Vegas Line: Mahr +1 1/2 FRANKEN

The Dik-Fil-A TRANSGENDER BOWL
Dec. 28, 2005

Race Baiter #1 v. Scumbag Politician #3
Jesse Jackson v. #18 Bill Clinton

Vegas Line: JACKSON - 2 1/2 Clinton

The National Organization Of Women BUTCH BOWL
Dec. 28, 2005

Asshole Entertainer #1 v. Fag/Lesbian #1
#15 Barbara Streisand v. Rosie O' Donnel

Vegas Line: STREISAND - 3 1/2 O'Donnel

The Columbia University DIVERSITY DOUBLESPEAK BOWL
Dec. 27, 2005

Tyrant #1 v. Tyrant #2* (Replaced by At Large)
#14 Kim Jong Il v. #25 Steven Speilberg

Vegas Line: KIM -14 1/2 Speilberg

The New York Times JASON BLAIR AFFIRMATIVE ACTION CLASSIC
Dec. 26, 2005

Asshole Entertainer #2 v. Terrorist#4
#17 Sean Penn v. Mullah Omar

Vegas Line: PENN -21 Omar

The Lance Armstrong AWARENESS AWARENESS BOWL
Dec. 25, 2005

Liberal Talking Head #4 v. Asshole Entertainer #3
#20 Jon Stewart v. #19 Tom Cruise

Vegas Line: Stewart +5 1/2 CRUISE

FINAL SCORES:
The Bill Buckner MASSHOLE BOWL
Dec. 15, 2005

FINAL: RAMIREZ, 30; URBINA 9.

MATCHUPS THIS WEEK:

The 2005 Leonardo DiCaprio CLIMATE CHANGE BOWL

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ELLEN DEGENERES v. GERHARD SCHROEDER

Vegas Line: Degeneres +10 1/2 SCHROEDER

The 2005 Diamond Walnuts SACK O' NUTS BOWL

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MICHAEL MOORE v. TED KENNEDY

Vegas Line: MOORE -7 1/2 Kennedy


The 2005 Hilton CHLAMYDIA BOWL


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FIDEL CASTRO v. PARIS HILTON

Vegas Line: Castro +21 1/2 HILTON

The Dicklist.blogspot.com DICK BOWL of 2005
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TIM ROBBINS v. KATIE COURIC

Vegas Line: ROBBINS -6 1/2 Couric


The National Islamic Council 2005

BLOW YOURSELF UP BOWL
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AL SHARPTON v. OLIVER STONE

Vegas Line: Sharpton (pick) Stone


The 2005 Howard Dean BULLSHIT BOWL
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#23 GEORGE CLOONEY v. SADDAM HUSSEIN

Vegas Line: CLOONEY -3 1/2 Hussein


The 2005 Village Voice DIRT ROAD BOWL
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SIR ELTON JOHN v. DOMINIQUE DeVILLEPIN

Vegas Line: John +6 1/2 DE VILLEPIN


The Jim McGreevey CORRUPT FAGGOT BOWL 2005
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#24 GEORGE GALLOWAY v. #22 JOHN KERRY

Vegas Line: Galloway +1/2 KERRY


SHEEHAN TO FACE DEAN IN THE INTERNATIONAL CHAMPIONSHIP CONTEST!

December 18, 2005

NEW YORK (AP)- The bowl contestants have been selected and in stunning faishon, this year's premier matchup will feature #1 Cindy Sheehan against #2 Howard Dean. Dean was vaulted into the #2 spot in the final poll after a successful vote in Iraq made his statement that "[Allied] forces cannot win" look all the more unfounded in any sort of objective reality. It was reported that Osama Bin Laden's inactivity also weighed on the voters' choice.

Bin Laden was pushed to #3 where he will meet #4 Abu Musab Al Zarkawi in what looks like a terrorist armageddon at the NARAL Abortion Bowl. Supports of both sides have promised to blow themselves up should their man not win; Condoleeza Rice was openly heard wishing for a "tie".

American serpant Hillary Clinton will square off against French serpant Jacques Chirac in what promises to be a nail-biting matchup at the Stalin Bowl. Both Clinton and Chirac utilize a similar style, and oddsmakers have been hesitant to give either side the advantage. While Chirac may be the bigger blowhard, Clinton's devious and underhanded politicking seems to level the field.

The NAMBLA Mollesta Bowl will feature George Soros and Iranian upstart Mahmoud Ahmadinejad. Few gave Ahmadinejad any chance to make a DCS Bowl just a few weeks ago; now the tyrant looks to gain respect against a perennial douche powerhouse in Soros. Oddsmakers have even picked Ahmadinejad as the tenative favorite in the matchup though things could change come game day.

In other bowl news, Manny Ramirez pulled off the upset this week to stun Ugueth Urbina at the Masshole Bowl 30-9. Experts considered Urbina the clear-cut favorite due to his arrest for murder during the off-season, but his matchup with the sulking, lazy Ramirez was never truly close. Insiders speculate that Ramirez is one arrest away from becoming a true contender for the Dick Athlete Conference championship next year.



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Friday, December 16, 2005

"Imagine" all the money......

This from Fox News (12/15/05)......

John Lennon: Yoko's Cash-In Continues

All right, this is for hard even for yours truly to believe, but here goes.
It looks as if Yoko Ono has licensed a John Lennon action figure

that will be sold, I don't know, in stores of some kind. Parts of it may
be referred to as the Plastic Lennon Hand (get it, Plastic Ono Band?)

Ono is clearly out to prove that there's nothing you can sell that can't
be sold.

Click the link below to see the new Lennon doll:
http://necaonline.com/lennonnews1.html

My article on Lennon and Yoko:
http://dicklist.blogspot.com/2005/12/41-imagine.html

Monday, December 12, 2005

42. THE CHURCH OF SCIENTOLOGY

Note: Our field correspondent, Number 2, has just returned from a clandestine 2 month long stakeout of the Church of Scientology deep in the Mojave Desert. The following is his report.

By: Number 2

Recently, strange otherworldly symbols have appeared in an isolated part of a California desert. Being a former crop circle investigator, I decided to have a closer look.....


(Translated from the Realian: Open your mouth and close your eyes)

The above symbol marks the site of a series of underground vaults housing the works of the late L. Ron Hubbard engraved on steel plates inside of vacuum-sealed titanium capsules.

Why would one cut the odd symbol into the hills instead of using, oh I don’t know, a fucking road sign?

Turns out that the symbol is necessary for Scientology members to find the facility.... after they return to Earth from outer space sometime in the distant future.

Really.

We here at The Dick List, in our ongoing mission to provide the most hard-hitting reporting wrapped around the best sophomoric Photoshopping this side of the blogosphere, are proud to bring you our newest exposé: The Church of Scientology.

You may already have heard of the Church of Scientology (CoS). Hell, how could you not hear of it; its “members” are everywhere these days. But how much do you know about The "Church"? It’s history? It’s teachings? It’s moonbat membership? Here's a quick history lesson:

  • The origins of the CoS can be found in the 1950s when L. Ron Hubbard, a former Merchant Marine and failed science-fiction writer, decided to couch his fifth rate dreck as a "religion" and not as "something so stupid that even comic book publishers wouldn’t touch it". It was rumored that Julius and Ethel Rosenberg were the religion's first converts.
  • 1954- L. Ron published his first book, Dianetics, which is a melting pot of new-age hokum, occultism, incomprehensible psychobabble and delusional paranoia masquerading as a philosophy. Dianetics the book would Dianetics the book eventually lead to the foundation of Scientology the religion. Not surprsingly, Scientology relies heavily upon a powerful foundation of new-age hokum, occultism, incomprehensible psychobabble and delusional paranoia.
  • 1959- The E-Meter is invented. Promoted as “proof” that all of Scientology’s wacky theories are true, it is nothing more than an Electric Football game hooked up to a pair of curling irons.


  • 1961- L. Ron publishes The History of Man, which is like the New Testament to Scientologists. It seriously claims that humans are the direct descendants of clams and through regression therapy one can re-live the life of one's ancestral bivalve, if the feeling so possessed one. Critics widely regarded The History of Man as "the worst book ever written".
  • 1962- L. Ron, in a letter to the FBI, accuses the American Psychological Association of "persecution" by using LSD to drive his followers "insane". J. Edgar Hoover replied that LSD was "unnecessary to accomplish such ends."
  • 1963- L. Ron announces to the world that he "recently visited heaven". By "recently" he meant 43 TRILLION YEARS AGO. Oh, and that image of heaven you have, the clouds and the pearly gates and harp-strumming angels? Wrong. Heaven is actually a mountaintop on an unnamed planet and looks like Busch Gardens.

Seriously, L. Ron compared heaven to a theme park run by a beer company.

  • 1966- L. Ron declares that in a past life he had been Cecil Rhodes, the founder of the African nation of Rhodesia (now Zambia and Zimbabwe). L. Ron provides the newly independent government with a completely unsolicited constitution he wrote all by himself.
  • 1967- L. Ron forms his own private navy, gives himself the rank of “Commodore”, and sets out on the "Hubbard Geological Survey Expedition". In reality he attempts to start his own "nation" based on scores and scores of individual ships spread throughout the world. The ships, however, were forbidden by L. Ron to use any electronics more advanced than a radio and consequently spent a lot of time drifting lost and out of fuel in the North Atlantic.
  • 1980- L. Ron reappears only to a deposit huge, steaming pile of sci-fi religious goodness on an unsuspecting world in the form of his epic masterpiece Battlefield Earth.
  • 1993- after a 25 year long battle, the IRS grants The Church of Scientology tax-exempt status. The U.S. government is forced to officially criticize Germany and France for religious discrimination, since both nations view the CoS a business and not a church. Hell officially freezes over as for the first time ever, The Dick List agrees with the policies of France and Germany.
  • 1996- CoS announces L. Ron Hubbard's death. L. Ron, like such luminaries as Tupac and John Lennon, continues to release works post mortem, assuring the world will continue to bear witness to the further adventures of "Terl".
  • 2005- Tom Cruise dances on Oprah’s couch.... Or as it is known in Scientology: The Dance of the Angry Thetan.
Now I’m normally not one to disparage another religion, especially when my own faith has me worshiping the son of a carpenter and a virgin who rose from the dead, but come on; Scientology is less of a religion than the Jedi Order or the Nation of Islam.

Want more proof that these people are whacko?

Here's what Scientologists actually believe:

95 billion years ago, an intergalactic tyrant named Xenu came up with a novel way to solve the twin problems of overpopulation and insurrection in his “galactic cluster”. He took all the alien undesirables- hundred of billions from each world- to Earth where they were strapped down around volcanoes and blown up using hydrogen bombs.

To insure the souls, or "Thetans", of the dead aliens wouldn’t return to plague him, Xenu set up a big vacuum cleaner to capture the souls whereby he forced them to watch a 3-D movie for one-month straight. This movie showed images we would recognize from real religions: Noah and the flood, Jesus on the cross, Buddha under the tree and more. These images made the confused Thetans believe they were from Earth, so they tried to inhabit the bodies of the nearby cavemen.

The problem was that there were billions and billions of alien Thetans, but only a few hundred cavemen. So each caveman was inhabited by hundreds of thousands of Thetans which were passed down from generation to generation.

Today, these Thetans inhabit every human being and they stunt us both mentally and physically. Mental damage is caused via Thetans forcing us to act in irrational or self-destructive ways.

Physically damage is caused by the Thetans' damping down our real powers of flight, super strength, energy manipulation, and time travel.

That’s right, if it wasn't for those damn Thetans you’d be a superhero! Of course, you still may recover your super hero skillz if you pay CoS to “clear” you of those pesky Thetans; average cost: 6 years of your life and $350,000 (methinks a small price to pay for never having to buy plane tickets again).

Oh, and you have to sign a billion year "servitude contract" with the church.

Now the people that run the CoS, like P.T. Barnum, aren’t quite as dumb as their membership. They’re bright enough to keep the Xenu stuff under wraps until a member has their head so far up their own ass that they can taste liver.

They do, however, resemble organized religion in one key way; they are defended by hordes of fanatical protectors: the lawyers.

Where old school religions once burned unbelievers at the stake, the CoS simply sues them into oblivion. They claim that any and all of Scientology’s teachings are copyrighted and cannot be used without their permission. They have even successfully sued to keep exposés out of major magazines and off of television on these grounds.

Well fuck it, we're not afraid of 'em!

The Church of Scientology is just like all great scams; it gives easy answers to the desperate while picking the pockets of the dumb.

It's also a philosphy of excuses, which is why it is so sucessful among the Hollywood elite. In Scientology, you aren’t poor because you’re lazy or depressed because you have no life. No, all of life’s ills are the result of being possessed by billion-year-old malicious alien souls. That's right, buddy, its not your fault!

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"I told you I didn't do it, yo' honor- It was them damn thetans! They done started the Crips"

Want to get rid of these Thetans? Then get out your checkbook. Come join the first faith based on a pyramid scheme, complete with celebrity hucksters pitching it on television! But what’s worse is, unlike the average scam that separates a fool from his money, this one actually sets all of humanity back by encouraging Tom Cruise to reproduce.



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